Vows for Relationship Enlightenment

1. I vow to be present and authentic in and apart from our relationship.

Authentic means true to my feelings, wishes, goals and moment by moment inclinations.
It does not demand of you to match, join, or even approve of my authentic self.

And most especially, authentic does not include the cowardly "honesty" of complaining about what's going on in me and blaming that on you.

2. I vow to have zero tolerance for any complaining about you from me. I.e. not to do it.
Ever.

3. I do vow to be honest in my feelings, rather than repressed. To combine this with #2, I vow to state my feelings only in this shortened form:
"I feel angry."  Period. No "because you..."
"I feel sad." Period. No "because you..."

4. I vow to take total responsibility for all the "because-s" after any feelings I have.
These usually include some or all of these:
a. lack of being present
b. a story about how the other is not (and should) match some picture in my mind
c. a trigger from some past "wound," which means an area I haven't "done" the Work on yet.
d. a cowardly attempt/ habit  to blame others outside for what I feel inside.

5. I vow to do the Work ( the Work of Byron Katie, TheWork.com) on any and all of my stories.

6. I vow to commit myself to your happiness, to your achieving your life goals and wishes, to your need for space, time and respect.

7. I vow to listen when you wish to communicate. Fully. In the present. No interrupting. No interpreting.

8. I vow not to interpret any of your behavior, thinking or feeling, unless you are doing some inner work and ASK for this.

9. These are my vows.
You can join them or not. I invite you to, and that's your business.
I you join them, I vow not to nag, scold, or even point out when you "fail" to meet them.

10. On the other hand, I vow to listen to your observations about when and how I have missed the mark on keeping them.

11. I vow to make requests, not demands. Which means I vow to honor and even enjoy any and all "no's" to my requests, as what they are: you exercising your right and joy to be precisely the one whom I love: you being exactly yourself, moment by moment.

Good

Having a Wonderful Relationship, 13 ways

HOW TO HAVE A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP
1) Spend some time everyday together, in silence, holding each other’s hands, eyes closed and eyes opened, following the breathing and being present to touch and connection. Realize, that this is enough: to touch, breathe and be present to each other.

2) If the quarrel thing happens, find a watch or a timer. Take turns doing this: One person speaks for two minutes. The other person listens, only listens, no interrupting, following the breathing, no “thinking” of defense remarks. At the end of two minutes, the listener repeats back, as close to word for word, what the speaker just said. Then the listener asks the speaker if they missed anything. If so, the speaker repeats what they missed and they re-reflect that back. When the speaker is satisfied that all important aspects have been heard, it’s time for the switch. Now the listener becomes the speaker and talks for two minutes while the other listens, breathes, and gets ready to repeat back with full clarity.


3) Have a method of radical forgiveness. The Work of Byron Katie is excellent for this. ( Her website is thework.org; also see some of my essays on slowsonoma.com, particularly, Byron Katie and Relationships, July 05; and Loving your enemy, for your own sake, May 05). Or try this: if it’s more than three minutes old, why are you still holding onto it?


4) Spend time together outdoors. In the present of the present.

5) Sleep together naked every night. Touch is good, a food for our deepest levels.Discover soft and new and interesting ways of touching each other, not necesarily in a sexual way. Which is to say, be sensuous, and love the fact that you have someone to touch. This is a food for your soul and your fingers and your mind and your heart.


6) Learn to listen. Anytime your partner criticizes you, go inside and find where that is true. (See the essay: The Criticism Thing, August 2005)

7) Learn to be honest. Anytime you are critical of your partner, go inside and find out how that trait (selfish, not listening enough, not appreciating enough, etc,. etc.) is true of you, too.

8) Learn to taste the difference between an interpretation of the other ( you are…., you should….), and telling the truth ( I feel……, I want…..).

9) Learn to make requests that aren’t demands. Which means, learn to love your partner when they are true to themselves and say no. That means you don’t have to hold back asking because you won’t be afraid to hear , “No.” So, ask for what you want and be happy with any answer.

10) Love from freedom. Do not blame either your happiness nor your unhappiness on your partner.


11) Learn to tease in a way that is kind, fun and leads to laughing at yourself.

12) Compare and contrast, This is my mind attached to the story, “You should change.” And, This is my mind without attaching to the story, “You should change.”

13) Learn to hear every spoken or thought “You should….” or “You shouldn’t…” as an invitation to laugh at yourself.