divorce blues and the wake up call

In divorce,
each person almost always feels cheated
of a dream.

And the dream was to be really loved,
loved on their good days
and loved on their bad days.

The trick is,
it's hard to love people on their bad days,
and so that's probably what the divorce is about:
more bad days than good days.

Not enough love.
Not enough appreciation
Not enough fun.

And all that was probably true,
and then the divorcee is all alone
and wishing they'd been treated better.

Oh, well.

Here's a couple of interesting shifts on all that:

One, the past is passed. Gone. Over.
The X is never going to whisk you
back in time
and act perfect the way you wish they'd been.

Two,
they are over whatever place they are
wishing you'd given more love.

Three,
getting someone new
aka "moving along"
while a good aspirin for the pain,
since sex always makes us feel better
about life,
and helps us pretend that
"now we are really loved:,
but "moving along"
without having
"done the work"
is the path to a life of no growth
in our ability to love.

Because this is what we have to do with
the X'
sooner or later:
Love them for their inability to love us enough.

The work of Byron Katie
is the quickest and easiest way to get there.

And just for starters realize this:
if they could have loved more,
they would have.
It's fun to love.
Inability to love is painful.
Their inability to love more is
their pain.
Hope that they get over that pain.

And second, realize: hey,
if I can't love myself every second of
every day,
how could have they.

So, that's the start:
realize they were in pain.

Two, realize you're in pain,
since you don't know how to be a full
time unconditional lover of yourself.

And then, "move on."

Not necessarily to another person,
but the a world brightly aglow
because you are in love with every moment.

Good.

Slow down, in the emotional world, too/ divorce advice good 4 us all

In a time of divorce
or separation
or breakup,
the temptations are two:

to simply lie down, pull the covers over one's head
and
"give up:

and
to add a bunch of extra activities,
learn Spanish,
take dance lessons,
keep busy every single night

Ah, yes.
Well, in a way, both are useful if they
shift us out of the rut
we were in,
AND they are only useful
to our true discovery of ourselves
and our inner transformation,
IF
we take part in them as mindful actions.

So, if we go dancing:
pay attention to all the movements, thoughts and feelings
while showering and dressing to go
while getting in and driving the car
or getting on and riding the bike
while waiting for someone to dance with
while getting instructions
while either "getting" the instructions, as in knowing what to do, or not

In other words,
if we are desperate for approval,
and that's what our relationship seemed
to be satisfying,
and wasn't really,
and then we go off to dance,
and are desperate for approval there,
even if we find someone who seems to be the one
who will give that approval

it won't work

unless we are content within and
able to give ourselves approval up and down the line,
good days and bad,
in sickness and in health
in poverty and in wealth
in good mood and bad

then we aren't ready to pretend that someone
else is going to do that for us

they aren't

So, maybe only do one or two new things.
And take them as experiments to be mindful
the entire time.
And don't try to meet anyone.
And watch, and be lovingly humorous about
our wish, need, demand, craving for outside attention
and
approval
and
affection
and
"love"

Why don't we take this breakdown time
and a breather
a breathe in
and breathe out
time,
time to discover who we are,
who we would be without the approval, or disapproval
of any person
or set of people

Okay, and what of the head under the covers
path.

Slow down on that, too.

Can we go to the bed, slowly, and sense our entire body.
Can we feel ourselves on the bed,
can we feel the covers,
can we sense where our arms and legs and spine are
in space
can we follow our breathing

can we get so relaxed and "into" our body on the
bed under the covers
that we can start to watch our thoughts
as a very entertaining show

and if the thoughts are coming too
fast
or are
too mean,
can we slow them down?

how.
by getting a journal and writing them down.
slowly.
carefully.

One "Should"
and one "shouldn't"
at a time.

All misery has a should or shouldn't or a should have or a shouldn't have attached.

Can we slow down, by writing, and then looking at what we have written with our
eyes and heart and brain,
and say: Oh, that's what I believe.

Soon, with the shoulds and shouldn't written down
the transformation can deepen.

But just to get away from hiding from the thoughts
behind our misery
into writing them down
and recognizing them
is to move so much closer to mindfulness
as to almost constitute,
then and there,
the new life we want for ourselves.

Good.

The Joy of Divorce

I am deepening and broadening my work.

I will be including the Anat Baniel method of working in
groups and privately with people to upgrade their nervous systmes
to undo pain,
transcend limitations,
become more young, free and intelligent in their bodies

AND

the work of Byron Katie
to transform
pain, hurt, anger, resentment and confusion
into
peace, freedom, joy, love and happiness

AND

the "not really work"
more the life path
of Being Present

to help us all recall the everypresent
present
as a way out of suffering
and
into pleasure, creativity, potency, and lifelong vitality

AND

some work/ play/ discovery I've taken
from Gestalt Therapy
and refined to make a marvellous path
to taking the juice away
from both our Inner Critic
and our Inner Victim
and bringing it back
to the calm, happy, smart and loving Real Self
who is us
without the baggage

AND

Conscious Communication
patterned on Speaking Circles,
with the goal and pleasure
of real talking
real listening
being present in both ends of the conversation
and the delight of all that

So, I'll say more on this here tomorrow,
but I wanted to get started

If you are a sister of mine,
or someone who might want to write an old fashioned letter
to me:
my new address is to the right.

Good.