Relationship Heaven.. Talk and listen. A lot

this from a 6 month course, wherein each month the couple goes through ten days of work three times.

This is day twelve.


The phone number will get you me if you happen to want to radically improve your relationship...

Cheers...

Day Twelve

This is going to be talking back and forth.

This is the beginning of a whole new way of communicating.

You stay in your business.

They stay in their business.

You leave any comments, “help,” advice, criticism, interpretation out of the puzzle.

You are going to listen with no plan of responding. They are going to talk about anything but you and anything but the relationship.

You are going to listen.

You are going to talk about anything but

Them

The relationship

What they just talked about.

Three minutes each, back and forth. No feedback. No reflective listening.

Just listening.

JUST listening.

Listening is so rare, and this is listening that isn’t cuing up for our smart advice, or retort, or additional thing to say.

Simply, deeply, fully listen.

This is good.

Back and forth.

Three times.

Eighteen minutes.

You can get in the fun of “not being in the other person’s business.”

You talk of your day, your goals, your childhood, your experiences in the present.

They do the same.

You leave each other alone.

TOUCH

Twelve minutes left.

Two turns of 2 minutes each, kissing the other anywhere but the mouth.

Two turns of 3 minutes each, kissing the other anywhere but the mouth that they request.

Two turns of 1 minute each sharing how it was and the difference.

waking up to the now of love, the love of now, the ....

We walk by a tree
chattering in our head
about this worry
or that plan
or this future conversation
or that past yammer

and we miss the tree

and
if we saw the tree

really saw
without words,
just the light and the color and all the glimmer
and mystery

that would be love

and

all around us

and inside us

there is something, many things
we could be experiencing

in a direct experience
that would be love

so
if we quite the yammer
and just experience

we can be in love
with our toes
or our partner's nose

and the wall of our apartment
or the floor of
our office


and sometims
in this present
we might realize,
we'd like a "better" present

an office with a window that opened say
and friendly people all around

okay
that works

write the goal down
love the goal

look around you
love it until you've got the better place

follow your breath
love being alive


...

this is incomplete

listen to some Adyashanti talks if you want
the fuller picture

smile
smile

sense gravity

enjoy light

enjoy sound

attention on movement
that you invent

and discover

hang out in the "I don't know,"
which is another name for the
NOW

go learn something today

to meet five new people

have an adventure

cheers
Chris

I want this for you... I want this for me... I want this for us

Many more on relationship and movement, all about slowing to Reality, though, at PoemsFromNow.com

Your partner comes up to you and says,
"Let me tell you what's wrong with you."

You're all ears, right?

( In some ways of living, actually, you might be,
that might be a chance to be happy with ALL feedback,
and
we'll wait on that one for a bit)


Your partner comes up and says:

"This is what I'd really like:
I'd like us to spend more quality time together
and
I'd like to take a walk after dinner
and
have a make out right now"

Now you might be listening, eh?


Even if we can't go along with a partner's request,
hearing what they want helps us understand who they are.

This is good news in a relationship,
because we can often drift into assuming we know who the other is,
and then it's two strangers
and then it's lonely really,
though we can keep busy enough to ignore it

So:

Here's today's game

Find someone and for 3-5 turns say this to each other:

I want this for you.......

I want this for me......


I want this for us......


See what happens.

It's a three way requesting. You don't get left out.

Your partner doesn't get left out.

The WE of the two of you doesn't get left out.

Find out what happens.
Cheers
Crhis

Waking Up to Now.... day 2

the full series will be at, PoemsFromNow.com

Today's a day to smile

It's good for us.
We know it.
People around us know it.

So: when to smile.
When you see another person.
When you see a cloud, or a leaves or the sky.

That's one game to play today:
See people, see reflected light: smile.

Another is this:
Sit quietly and sense your entire right leg, from toes,
all the toes
to the hip joint
Eyes closed
Then, keep the leg in awareness and start with your right fingers
and move up through your right arm to the right
shoulder socket.

Enjoy the whole right arm and the whole left leg

Breathe

Add on sounds.
Add on awareness of breathing , your breathing as you hear sounds.

Open your eyes.

Now the main game of the day:
Sense your right arm and right leg all day,
as much and
as fully as you can.

Talking
walking
reading this
sending emails
doing the text/ phone thing
driving
eating

right arm
right leg

they aren't going any where

where is your attention?

bring it on home, for the fun
and grounding
and freeing of it



This will be lopsided, yes,
and being mindless is
more lopsided, don't you think.


You can smile and eat light while you do
this,
if you wish.

love 'making"

I like the term love making

love is worth
making

making better

making more conscious

making more communicative


what if every communication
were a
chance
to
"make"

love more real

what if the various thrashings around
under the sheets
were
slowed
slowed
slowed

way down

and the big huff and puff to climax
were sidestepped

and in
the slow
slow
slow

the making
of the WE
that baby of US

were what was important?

wouldn't that be a worthwhile way
to waste time
in the flesh

or in
the talk

or in
the silence
of non talk
not touch

but together

making....

what?

ah, discovery


good

talking about sex

from the main blog, http://PoemsFromNow.com

okay
admit it

you don't talk about sex

you wish about it
you might complaint about it
or whine about it

and so
what?

no one's perfect
( remember the end of Some Like it Hot)


and
let's have this be one of the talk games:

as you remember
perhaps,

as part of love and sex before dinner
you are spending a grueling 18 minutes a day
ACTUALLY TALKING TO &
LISTENING TO
YOUR PARTNER

you talk 3 minutes, they listen,
in the present,
no interrupting

they talk for 3 minutes,
you listen
in the present,
no interrupting,
and as
much as possible, no words in your head (aka "thinking") about
how you are going to respond

back and forth,
3 whole turns each
18 minutes

it seems so piddling

and most partners talk less than this
in a week
except plans,
day recitals,
grumbles about work,
blah blah

so
here's today:

in your talk:

tell what you like about your sex
with your partner

and
talk about what more, or different
that you'd like

and respond
(without thinking about it while
they are talking)
to whatever they say to you

and even,
curiosity being a component of love
and the now,
ask some questions in
your turn

enjoy

chris

a touching experiment: slow down and touch, take turns

This posting Also to be found in http://PoemsFromNow.com, with many others on love, sex, communication, and movement
and being present
and
slowing
down....


Anything in life can be improved
by
being present

many a disaster can be forestalled or
avoided
by being present

many/ all messes can be cleared up
by slowing down
and
becoming present

today,
we're back to the touching before dinner

ten minutes of making out
or
some
sort of sex

we'll let the sex be up in the air
for awhile

while you practice slowing down
and taking turns

taking turns,
almost like the communication

well,
exactly like the communication
but without any words

you might want to spend more than ten minutes with this

get your trusty timer

one of you lie down
and close your eyes

the other is to touch you
slowly
not in the genitals,
and yes
anywhere else
and everywhere else in your body

for the first day,
don't make any requests if you are the receiver while you are receiving

play like this:

first turn:

one touches,
the other feels

the timer goes off

the other one touches,
the other feels

second turn:

no words of wishing anything different in the first round,
but before each touching turn,
the receiver is to ask:

here is how I'd like to be touched ( firm, soft, tight, gentle, fast, slow, big movements, little movements) and here is where I'd like it to be concentrated

the toucher can honor that, or not

it seems kind of silly not to,
but really, a request has to be really open
if it's truly a request

after,
just a thank you,
no evaluation

and then swap around


third turn:
make a request before you receive, and for sure make in a different request,
different place
different modes of speed, pressure, length

And then
as many turns as you want,
keep going back and forth,

and each time ask for a new place
and a new set of operating procedures

....
we get into such ruts
in sex
and
in life

and we ask so rarely for what we want

and we are so worried that if we finally get on a good grove,
going anywhere else will blow the whole scene apart

touch is talking
receiving touch is listening

have the final turn,
if you wish,
no requests,
but just let the toucher be trying to tell the receiver
something

let the communication be quite
and skin level

see what happens
feel what happens

don't talk for awhile after this,
so if this is to be combined with a talking session before dinner,
do the talking session first
good

Will I ever come back to Sonoma?

Will I ever come back to Sonoma?

It doesn't seem likely now, unless I started an Institute there. And then, our at the edges of town, but not quite as isolated as the Sonoma Zen Center,
could
be
the future home of the Mindfulness Living Institute.

Water
Housing
Mindfulness
the Work of Byron Katie
Gardening
Organic veggies, fruit and meat
Programs

And the people to do all this.
And the people to come.

What a big circus of fun that could be.
And right now:
this seems impossible.

So, that's a good start.

"This is impossible."

Is that true?
I don't know.

Can I absolutely know that that is true?
No.

When I hold that thought and believe it, what happens?
Discouraged.
Close down.
"Skip it."
Scoffing at myself.
Imagine derisive voices.

And then,

If I didn't have that thought, and contemplated the idea of a Center in Sonoma ( or Hawaii, or Mexico, or Costa Rica),
it's a curious possibility.

Not something I want to work on right yet,
but something to mull in the background now and then.

And what will come of that?


I don't know.


The turn around ( we are doing the Work of Byron Katie, here):
It is possible.

Really?
Who knows?

When there;s nothing to say

when there's nothing to say...

say nothing

..

or say, "I love you?"

...

or say, "What's good in your life?
.. 

or say, "I don't know what to say, but I like you."

...

say, the truth, as you feel it,

in that moment

and then listen,

just as happy to get nothing,

as you were to speak

for 

it

or speak from 

it

and it here isn't fancy,

it's just emptiness coming out to do the

next

thing

not even the next right 

thing,

just the next

felt thing

as we go

along

living and becoming more

and

more

or who 

we always were

before the

extra got caked on

by others

and

our own suckered into it

choosing

Good

say the next thing

say nothing

the world will keep spinning

your life will still be rich and full of meaning

you will still be present

or not

and one is free

and one isn't

and that's okay,

too

asking each day, to find out who is real and what we really are

if we are living right, we should be getting
at least one "No" a day
to some request we are making for something that
pushes some edge

"Would you like to OM?"
"Would you like to make out?"
"Would you like to make out for X minutes?"
"Would you like to have sex?"
"Would you like to spend the night together?"
"Would you give me your phone number?"
"Would you go to ..... with me?"

This kind of thing in the relationship world, and this:

"I offer ..... for $.......Would you like to buy?"

That's a good one, too.

That keeps things high sensation. And if we don't know yet how to ask and get turned on by our asking and let the yes / no chips fall where they may, we con't quite know how to live yet, don't you think?

Don;t you feel that that's true?
For you?s

living in the presence of high sensations = alive, alive, alive

we came from the jungle
ADD, the jumping of attention from one thing to another
would seem useful in a wild environment, when any direction
including up and down, could yield danger,
could yield food

life was intense
awareness was high
or
you died

and then life
got safer
and safer
and safer

and so when someone says:
what was the flavor of your last kiss?
we finally feel something,
the lights go on,
the charge comes back
the jungle

walk barefoot on uneven ground,
find a place where you have to look up and down,
spin daily, or more,
touch the ground and keep your eyes up
high,
touch the sky and let your eyes watch the ground

play around

with the habits
with the right way to do things,
where "right" means "comfortable" means "rocking no one's boat"
means
low sensation

so, what's the cure?
do something not right today.

but kindly
other people count too

fucking with people is not the game
not really
though it might,
in small doses,
be a stage

but we've got to get more uncomfortable,
which means saying what we really really want to
say
which is different than using our umpf to blast
other people because they dare be different than we want
them
to
behave

give up control
talk about uncomfortable
talk about not knowing what going to happen next
talk about living in freedom
which can be defined as
"I don't know."

this is a ridiculous little ramble
and what's the point?

Don't be too careful
don't be too good
make yourself uncomfortable
hang in there with the sensation

it's just you in the present moment
which is
just
life

which is just
everything

Good

slow down for what? freedom and happiness. Really? Yes

How free are you?
How could you be more free?

What would be the price?
What is the price of not paying the price?

How happy are you?
How could you be more happy?

What would be the price?
What is the price of not paying the price?
Good.

Sex Every Day? Heck yes/ Slow Sex rocks

Ah, sex.

In the ordinary world, people let down their barriers a bit, and actually become fascinated with another person, and excited by the new, and they fall in love, and they have sex.

Usually a lot.

The honeymoon/ bunny phase.

And then, one or the other starts to get tired, and it's a lot more than that. One or the other, and usually both, starts to harbor resentments, and they are damned if they are going to give the partner pleasure, even if it means denying their own pleasure to spite/ punish/ withdraw from the partner.

And they have "spontaneous" moments, when they forget the tired, and forget the grudges, and remember how great sex can be, and tumble back into frolic together.

Love making.
Sex.
Fucking.

Maybe all three.

Yum.

And the set ups to these "spontaneous" sex capades are usually a night at a movie, no change to talk/ argue/ avoid on iPhone during the movie. They might even hold hands. Emotions might come up that they share. They have an experience together.

Wallah. Sex.

Or they go to a party, and flirt a little and get some sexual energy up, and go home and need to blow it off. Or, like most people, want to flirt, and don't, and have all that energy to use in sex.

Or they drink a little wine with dinner, and the kids go to bed easily and early and they actually have a talk that they both enjoy, and actually look at each other in the eye and feel the living warmth of the other.

A day on the beach.

And so on.

And then there are all those other days when the "spontaneous" thing doesn't happen.

And that's where "Sex Every Day" comes in.

It's not mood dependent, it's not tried/ not tried dependent, it's not good or bad mood dependent.

The couple decides: Sex Every Day.

And they keep this in motion with OM, with Orgasmic Meditation.
15 minutes of stroking the woman's clitoris
In a nest.
Separate from the bed.
Now one is trying to climax.
It's only her genitals.
The timer going off means it's over.



This happens every day.

Touch, connection, turn on.
Staying present to the sensation.
Staying connected to each other.
Pleasure ( usually) for her.
Connection ( and usually more) for him.

This might bring about lots more spontaneous "normal" sex.
And if it doesn't, the urgency is down, the loneliness is down, connection is way up\

This is good.