if the other way doesn't work, try something new: beyond arguing, some possibilities

Most so called conversation
is two people, semi-listening
and mainly
"thinking" what they are going
to say
and waiting for an opening
to sneak, shove, slide or otherwise
to insert
their
very very important words

BAD conversation
aka arguing
aka "fighting" has two generic
forms,
one worse than the other
and both  a sad waste of
human life love
and liberty

the normal awful arguing mode
generic style is:
person A, telling person B
this:
I'm right, and you are wrong

person B, sees it just the opposite
and is defending, attacking, interrupting,
yelling,
whatever it takes for this important message:
I'm right and you are wrong

notice the similarity in their messages

the AWFUL style
is both have this message:
I'm good, you are bad

ouch

Now,
what's some alternatives,
non habitual communication
as it were

one is Non Violent Communication
which isn't my training
and it's roughly:
let the other guy talk
+ really listen
and then say:
okay, what it seems to me
is that your feel ......
because you need/ want/ feel you aren't getting.....

It takes the amazing assumption
the other person has real issues, feelings, and order in their
own world

great

A tried and true other way:

person A listens
person B talks, rants, accuses
whatever for awhile
(way way best to set a timer here,
a little ranting goes a long way if
person B has to really listen, can't interrupt,
and had to repeat it back)

and that's the next step
person B says to A,
here's what I heard you say,
and gives it back
without any interpretation
or defending

( tough stuff,
but good,
"You said I was a creep
and never pay enough attention to you,
and I really let you down when...")

And then, B asks: did I miss anything
(another reason for a 2 minute to 3 minute turn each,
it's hard to remember too much stuff,
especially when it's emotional "stuff')

if A says you missed....
then B says, okay, I missed ....

If A says, no you got it,
then B takes a short turn
A listens without interruptin
and repeats it back

Called reflective listening

this practice,
the non habitual listening
and honoring the other person,
can really help
that wounded feeling of
"You don't care about me,
won't listen to me feeling"

which is often true in arguing
when the yelling is about OUR important
stuff,
and precludes listening

there are two more cool non habitual
communication games
I like

and let's make it short

each requires you to
take turns with a timer
it can be a little,
or a lot longer,
since there is no feedback

in the first type:
when it's your turn
you talk about anything
except any feedback, suggestion, etc
about what the other said

so each of you agrees to only talk
about issues that don't involve the other

in the more complicated type,
you can address whatever came
up
but you have to listen when it's your turn
to listen
and the more you can keep it
in the famous "I" statement
response
the better

this is tricky
and can work in a mature
relationship
especially one committed
to full time being present

....
this wasn't really a poem
was it?

who knows

could we both,
you gentle reader
and me sincere writer,
go back to the beginning
and read the whole darn thing
with an attempt to follow our breathing
and sense two arms
and two legs
and one
spine
at the same
time?

I'll give it a go

you'll do what you do

i had to read it several times,
discovering typos along the way

and rereading
and going slowly
is nice

very nice

at a point
the words
didn't matter,
just being present
felt
plenty good
enough

hope your
present
is presenting you
with ease and joy

and if nothing else
that thrill of being
in your life
at the moment you are living
your life

Is that necessary?

marlie just asked me that

i got all huffy

then
i woke back up

hey:
it was a good question

i just wasn't there
to answer
the
first time
around

now
i'm back home

and yeah,
what i was doing,
wasn't necessary

la
la

the advantages
of being awake

fun
can change
can laugh at
and notice
the silliness
of asleep
me

good

Winter coming, what is love

dogwood at quarry hill

days get short
time indoors

we can talk
with people we
love
and
if we
really love
them,

listen to what
they have to
say

this is nice
when awake,
just letting their words
come
maybe for five minutes
or more
not saying anything

just listening,
not giving advice
just listening

not interrupting
just listening

following the breathing
being present

the present
of our presence

so much more
that all the stuff
we hide behind
in non present
present giving

la,
la

Wednesday Parenting Post: Loving in Action

PARENTING: A GUIDE TO LIFE

Parenting is not something our children ask for. It’s something we do, and they live with. They suffer with, they put up with, they thrive with. Parenting is our job. In some systems, the soul decides to come back, chooses the parents, blah, blah, and maybe yes, maybe no, and most children have the complete right to say, “I didn’t ask to be born.”

So what’s our job as parents?

Easy.

To love.

That’s it, and on the “good days,” this is easy, and on the rest of the days, it’s a job.

A good job.

The best job in the world.

Have you stayed with me: on the “bad days,” parenting is the best job in the world. Why? Because when they are being little turds, then we have to get our …together and learn what loving really is.

You know the thing from the bible, where Jesus, almost with a sense of humor, says “Anyone can love really groovy people, but can you love them when they are sinners.” Something like that, and He has to drag in the old sinners thing, or maybe it’s just the translators. Over the eons.

Doesn’t matter.

The point: when they are good, they are very, very good, and when they are “bad,” they are horrid. (Little curl in the middle of the forehead, and so on.)

And when they are “bad,” we get to discover that “bad” is in the eye of the beholder, even if they are breaking our really great stuff, or hitting their innocent angel little sister/brother, or saying “No,” for the ten thousandth time to our Wise and Reasonable Rules, Demands, Requests, Pleads, and Barks.

So, how to do that?

Well, the Work of Byron Katie is the way to go at night, later, when we aren’t on the battlefield and we need to get clear about where IS the obstacle to love: in the little horrid child’s behavior, or in our mind that doesn’t know how to unconditionally love? Loaded question, eh, and the Work, never posits one right way. It does allow us to get into our mess (Judge your neighbor/child), and slow down the mental mess (Write it down), and sort out the mess (Ask four questions), and bring the wisdom on home to our own hearts and minds (Turn it around).

But no rules, such as Thou Shalt Unconditionally love the little angels/beasts.

Nope, it’s all about understanding our suffering when we don’t love. So if we aren't unconditionally loving, we are going to be suffering.

(Don't take my word for it. Do the Work, or your work, or whatever you need to do.)

And then: back to the battlefield. What to do there, when we are ready to blow our stack, or at the very least, throw away love and get into Boss gear?

Same thing: Know what our habit is. Listen inside our minds to the voice and the words we are about to hurl out. Notice the habitual actions we want to take.

Slow down. Which is kind of already required, isn’t it: since we’ve slowed down enough to notice, instead of charging ahead in the old habit.

So, maybe way near the beginning is this: knowing we are going into the judge, anger, reaction mode. Then watching it.

Have this idea: What else could we do than what we usually do?

And then, here’s the key, or one of the keys: follow our breathing. Look at the child without a story of how they should be different. Come to a calmness inside our own bodies, and look, look, look. And wonder: what is going on? Wonder, if I were this child, what steps could the Giant make that would make it easier for me to shift out of my doo doo? Wonder, about what the child imagines the world is and should be at that moment and see if you can help the child make sense of their anger or fear or stubbornness.

Maybe then, we'd end up helping calm ourselves and the child,
and bringing clarity,
and the idea of listening to/ paying attention to/ caring about/ empathizing with another,
we might say,
something like:

“If I were you, I’d want to stay here all night, too. You are really having fun. And it makes you angry when I take you away when you are having fun. And you really don’t like me when I take you away and you don’t want to be taken away. And it doesn’t seem fair that I get to tell you what to do all the time. Is that pretty much how it seems to you?”

Something like that.

Hmmm. Come to think of it, this wouldn’t be a bad way to be if a mate or parent of co-worker or friend got angry with us, would it? (Notice or don’t notice, that I stay out of the non-truth land that NVC gets you into when it starts talking about the “needs” of another. The child/ mate/ coworker doesn’t “need” to stay, or to feel in control, but they certainly “want” to.).

So, anyway: if we slow down, find peace in our own bodies,
we get out of the me, me mode
which is the death of love
and then we can
look at the child as someone who has real and valid and deeply felt reasons of their own.

Maybe these reasons are understood, probably not, and that’s our job, too: to help them make sense of why they have good and righteous reason to hate us for a moment or a day or an hour.

So love is….

Something to learn. And learning how to slow down, give them their fury or “badness,” help them see what’s going on, work from a framework of listening, and paying attention and deep concern for “their side” of the deal: wow, that’s a long way toward love in action, isn’t it.

And if love isn’t in action, it’s probably not love.

Ciao, for this Wednesday’s parenting essay.