parenting heaven, parenting hell

PARENTING HEAVEN, PARENTING HELL
This is parenting heaven: sweet and happy children. And parenting hell: rebellious or angry or sullen or disobedient or sad or miserable children.

Right?

Wrong.

Parenting hell is when we take whatever they do as an excuse to feel bad or sad or angry or frustrated or bitter or any of the number of ways we can feel when we go into our “feeling bad” mode. Different strokes for different folks. Some of us like to take feeling bad and drive ourselves to sadness; others go for anger; others go for numbing out with substances or media or overwork; others go into self-torture of the mental sort: what did I do wrong, how did I fail, I’m so bad at ….

Whatever our grooved in and conditioned path to unhappiness, one of the ways of using parenthood is to take the inevitable moments, hours, days, weeks, and so on, when our kids are neither behaving nor feeling in their tip top sunniest and sweetest moods as the input to boogie on down that groove.

So, what sort of life is this, if we can’t blame our kids’ lousy behavior for our feeling badly now and then? Not the “normal” life for sure. Not the “ordinary” life in the sense of average (though “ordinary” life, if we wake up to all these moments, is much more a miracle than we hardly ever give it credit for.). Not ordinary, but extra-ordinary would be our life if we could enjoy our children in their “worst” moments as much as we enjoy then in their “best.”

That sounds so weird doesn’t it? The little darlings/ angels/ devils are screaming their heads off, giving us the “no” tantrum to beat the band, and we are happily in love with ourselves and with them? Oh, well, let it sound and even be weird.

Think about them, our tortured darlings: they are having a bad batch and acting out the second half of, “When he/she was good, he/she was very, very good, and when he/she was bad, he/she was horrid.” When do they need our love and attention and listening, and yes, even approval, most? When they are in the funk, right? Anyone can love them when they are being “very, very good.” But if we can’t love them when they are being “horrid,” what are they going to learn about self-love?

They are going to learn to treat themselves like everyone else: if they are on the upswing, they can like and love themselves. If things go bad, they get into the grove they learned when young and hate themselves and feel even worse.

On the miraculous other hand, if somehow we can realize their misery/ rebellion/ funk/ whatever is their business, and we can settle into ourselves and being present and breathing and watching and loving them, think of that sweet lesson. When they grow up and are tempted to get down on themselves for being down, “making a mistake,” having a hard time, etc., they might remember our smile or our hug or our listening or our taking time to slow down to try to understand what’s really going on, and treat themselves that way.

And sometimes when we are in a funk, we just might remember to treat ourselves this way, too. Good learning all the way around. And so here we have our parenting heaven: practicing love without conditions, for the little darlings/devils, and for ourselves. Weird, yes. Wonderful? Yes.

Chris Elms, M.A., has a Master’s in Psychology, and coaches now and then a form of forgiveness and communication between parents and children, especially the “troubled teens” in our lives. Wednesdays here in this blog, are postings on the parenting thing (click Parenting, below, in labels, to get all so far), and answers to questions sent in could be a possibility.

parenting, revolutions, devolutions, evolutions, revolutions

always something to do: planting bulbs, see more at marvelous marlie blog pics

new year
and tempting

resolutions:
i will
be
a better parent

better
at what?

well:
i'll say something nice
everyday
to each
child
i talk to
and will
talk to every child
that lives
in the same
house

that would be good

i'll say something
unexpectedly nice
something new
that i didn't say
ten thousand times
already
didn't say
once
already

that's more of a stretch

i'll forgive myself
for the moments
of anger
and confusion

i'll try out
the thework.com
when things get rough

i'll take a walk
take a breath
sense my feet
follow my breathing
remember i'm alive

love myself
laugh at myself

slow down

slow down and sense
and love
and look
and wait...

for what...

for coming
back
to
now

when things get
rough

all sorts
of possibilities

good

wed Parenting and Love

Marlie's daughter Rose,plus Sari, and Sari's friend Adam, and puppy friend

today is
today

Christmas
is gone

or is it?

the spirit of
giving
could linger on

could be the center
of our days

could be the Kingdom
of Heaven
drenching down
on us
in us

yes

for
in
all the moments
we
can always give
ourselves
the sweetness and awareness
to be now
this present
now
this only moment
we are really
alive

yes

so easy to say
and
actually
easy to do

and almost equally easy to forget

and with our children

this gift
we can always
remember
or forget
to give

our presence:

to just sit
listen
sit
talk
slowly
and watch their faces
and eyes

and listen,
while this sing
babble
talk
ramble

and wait
and breathe
and then
maybe
and talk
in a way
that delights
and inspires them

just the talk of love
free
of comments
and demands

just
i see your beautiful hands
touching the dog
holding the wood,
eating an orange

i see your eyes
letting in the world
sparkling and alive

i hear your sweet words
telling me how much
you love
life
and love
being you

yes

thank
you
thank
you
for being in
my life
in our life
in
life

Christmas coming, the geese are getting worried, parenting Wed,

one day
we
will all be dead

apparently
one day
a long time ago
or long long
time ago
depending on your sense of timing
the Jesus child was born

he was clear on His life's purpose:
to be one with God
to speak for God
to help people find the Kingdom of Heaven within
to try to put out this radical message:
love your neighbor
love your enemy

a big job he/ He set out to do
and with some miracles to jazz up the interest
and some good parables
and a great salesman (Paul)
some of his/ His stuff and ideas are
still around

and some days
we love our neighbors
and love our enemies
and even
gasp
love our selves

wednesday is
"supposed" to be about parenting:

well,
sometimes the little shits
seem like enemies
and then
we have to remember:
whose idea was it to bring them into the world
and
what is it that they don't understand
and
what is it that we don't understand
about how we are contributing
to their being
in one of their awful states

and then,
as always,
when we learn how we are asleep
and operating out of habit
and control programs
and forgetting to listen,
we can breathe
and be
now
and listen to them
and our own life

and then we can be happy
and when we are really happy
the enemy thing
dissolves

and if this doesn't work
then the work will

ciao
chris

today, parenting and listening

bare tree and frost protection white in the garden

what wonderful ways
can we discover
today

to be present
with ourselves

and our
children?

they have their own
lives

we can guide
a little

watch and listen
a lot

try to control
and go crazy
or drive them crazy
or both

and still: it's so "human"
to want to "help"
and "we know better"
blah, blah, blah

and sometimes
they do need to be controlled
from wrecking the place
or hurting themselves
and then:
it's just a game
how to take destructive
energies
and put them to use with pottery
or digging
or jumping
or running
it's all
a
chance
to
learn
to dance

it's all
a
chance
to
learn
to
dance

Parenting, Dreams, Invitation to improvement and joy

Advice to parents:
Say nice things to your kids everyday.
Especially when they aren’t being wonderful.
Tell them you love them.
Tell them they are wonderful:
when they hate you
when they do poorly in school
when they “forget” to do their chores (and keep asking, just don’t nag
when they are unpopular
or confused

And, above all: talk to them.
Away from the television set.
Away from the computer games.
Just talk. Don’t give advice. Just talk.
Even better, outside together, enjoying nature together, and just talk.

---

Dreams last night:

Last night in the going
back
to sleep
a kind of half sleep
and dreams:
of a wolf/lion/skunk/bear
what was that creature
wondering even as I saw it
and a dancing with a cerebral palsy
man, by hugging from behind
the woman dancing with him
her pressed in between us
and I guide and heal and teach
his nervous system
as the three of us
dance

---

Invitation to Improvement and Joy

Let’s say: you have a soreness in your back or shoulders or neck as you move through life, and wouldn’t mind not only having that go away, but could enjoy learning how to function better from head to toe, from pelvis to ribs, from elbow to ear, from spine to sternum, from eye to brain?

In other words: are you game to become a more complete and aware and happy in your body and happy in your awareness person?

If this sort of improvement, about upgrading your nervous system, and rekindling your love of learning appeals to you, come on around and give yourself for awhile to this work, this Way of Conscious and Exploratory Movement.

Let’s say you want to play tennis better, or ski better, or golf with more ease and improvement and success. Again, are you willing to go inside and discover how you are and how you could be more, as this marvel of engineering, all these bones and muscles with a big brain on a planet of constant gravity and a body of two legs, and brain that loves to learn?

Good.


That’s my invitation for today.

Serenity and parenting

children like
to challenge our serenity

this pose
above can be one to regain
our serenity

and children
usually don't go out
to drive us crazy
until later,
maybe high school age
when they might
plot to drive us crazy

why would they possibly do that?

all those years we drove them
crazy:
revenge

this isn't a very cheery set of
ideas
is it

or is it:
old wounds,
fine.
and possibilities:
serenity
or going along with the
trouble

the work might
come in handy
when they are getting unruly

but basically
the old slow down
idea:
sit down
watch them

slow down
listen to them

take a breath
and then
follow the breathing
and wonder what
the world
is like
from their point of view

wonderful challenges
that would help us with any friend
or lover

and we can't escape the necessity
if they are our kids

well, actually, we can:
but we'll wish we hadn't

so
it's the same wonderful
story:
our being present
is the best present

in good times
or bad
happy
or sad
busy
or dull:

just to be there
with them
watching
listening
no books to read no TV to watch
no things to rush off to
forget preparing dinner even
for five minutes
just sit,
ask them to talk,

listen

Playing and Stupor, parenting and waking up

essay today,
over at Wake Up Feldenkrais
on playing
as the boy
above is doing

playing
without a plan,
without copying,
without compulsion,
without efforting,
as a key
to learning as a lifelong
joy

and if we are parents:
what about this:
to watch play
encourage play
and rediscover
play
in our life

active play
not just paying to be entertained
or letting the tube do
it,
but real play
as we
invent
from within

amazing when
we re turn
to who
we really are

and that being
is now
and playful
and quiet
and serene
and creative
and inventive
and ......
alive

essay today
over at Tai Chi Yoga Health Weight Loss blog
on eating
as a path to
the happiness
of eating ourselves into a stupor
or
the happiness
of waking up
to the now

with mention of
our old friend Gurdjeiff
along the way

hmmm.

Wed Parenting and Love

What to do?
The kids will be kids
and they are obsessed
sometime with how they look
and what other people think
of them
and how they are going
to get into college
and what their parents
will think of them

and this feels like
a lot of pressure

which it is:

all this attention
on the outside

outside looks
and opinions
and approval
and possible
disapproval

and how bad can it get?

really bad,
we don't need to go there

and what's one easy sweet quick
way
out

the usual:
back to the present
now

paying attention
to them
as they are
not as should be
or they want to be

just good old Mr. Rogers stuff:
I love you just the way you
are

Parenting, and Play

play is how children learn
play is how
we
all
no matter how old
connect with the joy
of discovery
and being alive

sports
are usually a pale
and overly stident aspect of play

if your child can invent games
in the mud
and at the creek
and with a ball
and with a basketball
and with a rock
and with an acorn

better off
i'd say
than all this organized
stuff

and yes
yes
soccer
is wonderful
and basketball
and playing the piano

and still
play
that is made up
and unsupervised
and doesn't have the time stamp
and the pressure competition
stamp
and doesn't have the endless
chauffering stamp:

just outside
with a couple other kids
or by themselves:

that might very well
be the best sort



word count: 21,006
NaNoWriMo
la
la

Hallow Ween and Parenting

what are you going
to be for Hallow Ween??
Note:
new almost blog starting at
Marvelous Marlie Blog


my favorite memory
as the parent who "gets"
to go out with his kids
on Halloween
was when my son was perhaps
four or five
and it was his first night out

he was superman
and didn't know yet
he would grow
up to be an actor
(he's thirty one now),
but we could have guessed

the candy was boring to him
compared to getting to wander
all over the neighborhood,
going behind bushes
and then jumping
out
again
and again
as superman

his sister
older and into the candy thing
big time
(sugar free until we took Amtrak
across the country when she was two and a half,
and everyone had to offer the little cutie
some sweets,
and that's another story)
keep wanting him to move
along
he kept having fun

so
what is a sane parent
to do
with the sugar thing
and the hype thing

be present
find some great natural sweets
to make and give the kids at home:
apples, honey, pears, whatever
is in season:
dates

fat plus sweet = most deserts
so a date or fig or banana or apple
and some peanut butter
or tahini or almond butter
and
fill 'em up on healthy sweets
first

and then what to do?
ah, you'll figure it out

be present
give hugs
give love
most starvation for sweets
is a starvation for love
anyway

so pour it
on

and think about:
who would you be
if you could put on a costume
and have some fun

and i don't mean the usual
boring
dance too hard
halloween
dance things

also
ponder and
somehow take advantage
of
the hallow sacred night
night and the unconscious
imagination
not costume to buy
but the concoct string together
in the mind's eye
costuming

the play's the thing

let them be
in the play stage
of the world

there's probably a way
to avoid the candy thing
and you have
the fun of figuring that

your play
on your stage
the parent game


ciao
Chris

Parenting, Big, Little, Love, and ????

Sure we love
'em,
wash 'em
hug,
touch
smile
clean
hold
caress
feed
protect
put to bed
change the diapers
smile
watch
enjoy

all the good stuff
love
practice for all the years
and days
and hours
we've forgetten

and yet
from their side
we are these seventeen
foot giants
telling "em
what to do
what not to do
something pushing
and pulling just
a bit too hard
for the little bodies
and arms
often voice to loud
and lots
of
no,
no,
no,
no
(and we wonder were the "terrible twos" comes from,
ha)

so,
of couse
usually,
we know,
it's "for their own good"
(honesty might include:
"for our own convenience"
or
"fot the sake of a ritual
my tribe believes in")
but anyway

they are little
our side
means nothing

we are giants
ordering them around

think about how
that must feel sometimes

annoying?
infuriating?

who knows
but worth
pondering

a big side
of
love

Wednesday Parenting Post: Loving in Action

PARENTING: A GUIDE TO LIFE

Parenting is not something our children ask for. It’s something we do, and they live with. They suffer with, they put up with, they thrive with. Parenting is our job. In some systems, the soul decides to come back, chooses the parents, blah, blah, and maybe yes, maybe no, and most children have the complete right to say, “I didn’t ask to be born.”

So what’s our job as parents?

Easy.

To love.

That’s it, and on the “good days,” this is easy, and on the rest of the days, it’s a job.

A good job.

The best job in the world.

Have you stayed with me: on the “bad days,” parenting is the best job in the world. Why? Because when they are being little turds, then we have to get our …together and learn what loving really is.

You know the thing from the bible, where Jesus, almost with a sense of humor, says “Anyone can love really groovy people, but can you love them when they are sinners.” Something like that, and He has to drag in the old sinners thing, or maybe it’s just the translators. Over the eons.

Doesn’t matter.

The point: when they are good, they are very, very good, and when they are “bad,” they are horrid. (Little curl in the middle of the forehead, and so on.)

And when they are “bad,” we get to discover that “bad” is in the eye of the beholder, even if they are breaking our really great stuff, or hitting their innocent angel little sister/brother, or saying “No,” for the ten thousandth time to our Wise and Reasonable Rules, Demands, Requests, Pleads, and Barks.

So, how to do that?

Well, the Work of Byron Katie is the way to go at night, later, when we aren’t on the battlefield and we need to get clear about where IS the obstacle to love: in the little horrid child’s behavior, or in our mind that doesn’t know how to unconditionally love? Loaded question, eh, and the Work, never posits one right way. It does allow us to get into our mess (Judge your neighbor/child), and slow down the mental mess (Write it down), and sort out the mess (Ask four questions), and bring the wisdom on home to our own hearts and minds (Turn it around).

But no rules, such as Thou Shalt Unconditionally love the little angels/beasts.

Nope, it’s all about understanding our suffering when we don’t love. So if we aren't unconditionally loving, we are going to be suffering.

(Don't take my word for it. Do the Work, or your work, or whatever you need to do.)

And then: back to the battlefield. What to do there, when we are ready to blow our stack, or at the very least, throw away love and get into Boss gear?

Same thing: Know what our habit is. Listen inside our minds to the voice and the words we are about to hurl out. Notice the habitual actions we want to take.

Slow down. Which is kind of already required, isn’t it: since we’ve slowed down enough to notice, instead of charging ahead in the old habit.

So, maybe way near the beginning is this: knowing we are going into the judge, anger, reaction mode. Then watching it.

Have this idea: What else could we do than what we usually do?

And then, here’s the key, or one of the keys: follow our breathing. Look at the child without a story of how they should be different. Come to a calmness inside our own bodies, and look, look, look. And wonder: what is going on? Wonder, if I were this child, what steps could the Giant make that would make it easier for me to shift out of my doo doo? Wonder, about what the child imagines the world is and should be at that moment and see if you can help the child make sense of their anger or fear or stubbornness.

Maybe then, we'd end up helping calm ourselves and the child,
and bringing clarity,
and the idea of listening to/ paying attention to/ caring about/ empathizing with another,
we might say,
something like:

“If I were you, I’d want to stay here all night, too. You are really having fun. And it makes you angry when I take you away when you are having fun. And you really don’t like me when I take you away and you don’t want to be taken away. And it doesn’t seem fair that I get to tell you what to do all the time. Is that pretty much how it seems to you?”

Something like that.

Hmmm. Come to think of it, this wouldn’t be a bad way to be if a mate or parent of co-worker or friend got angry with us, would it? (Notice or don’t notice, that I stay out of the non-truth land that NVC gets you into when it starts talking about the “needs” of another. The child/ mate/ coworker doesn’t “need” to stay, or to feel in control, but they certainly “want” to.).

So, anyway: if we slow down, find peace in our own bodies,
we get out of the me, me mode
which is the death of love
and then we can
look at the child as someone who has real and valid and deeply felt reasons of their own.

Maybe these reasons are understood, probably not, and that’s our job, too: to help them make sense of why they have good and righteous reason to hate us for a moment or a day or an hour.

So love is….

Something to learn. And learning how to slow down, give them their fury or “badness,” help them see what’s going on, work from a framework of listening, and paying attention and deep concern for “their side” of the deal: wow, that’s a long way toward love in action, isn’t it.

And if love isn’t in action, it’s probably not love.

Ciao, for this Wednesday’s parenting essay.

Parenting, Heaven and Hell, #1

A Parenting Ramble
will be published each Wednesday here at slowsonoma.com.
Freud called Parenting the impossible job.
Moshe Feldenkrais said the real work is
to make the
"Impossible possible,
the possible easy,
and the easy elegant."
Let us begin.

So, the little kids,
the happy babies,
the giggling toddlers,
the inquisitive younguns,
the fiesty and creative youth,
the beautiful and blossoming teens,
the friendly, courageous and happy youth

and so on.

Life with children
can be wonderful.

And we can help
with this,
as parents,
or formerly active parents,
or bystanders who can stand
or even like
kids, children, youth, young adults.

How can we help?
First:
slow down.
Surprise, surprise,
that idea coming in
this blog, eh?

Slow down how you drive your car
in general,
to remember to breathe
and to see the world as it passes by,
and slow down
when children are in it
so you don't crash
and
so they can learn that life
doesn't have to be a rush
and so
you can listen to what they
want to tell you
and so
you can take a breath
before
you say something back to them.

In the car
you
could
have your eyes on the road
and some attention on your children
and some
on your breathing,
if you can do all that,
you are teaching them how to participate
fully in life
and you and giving yourself happiness instead
of an ulcer
and you are practicing
being now

being now
is the greatest gift
you can give
either
yourself
or your children.

So next time you are in the same
room
car
yard
place
with them

slow down,
follow your breathing
look at them
and
listen to them

and see what blossoms
from those moments


ciao,
Chris

The Meaning of Life

the meaning
of my
life
is
right now
to be
right now

happy
to be typing
these black symbols
on the white background,
the click click of fingers
on the keyboard

my breathing
coming in
and out

tired
happy
learning
a lot
each day,
as i near (tomorrow)
my 160th day of training
beyond my 160 days original

as i said yesterday
reward
yourself
by spending some time
on the New Anat Baniel Method Website

and what does her work
have to do
with the meaning
of life?

sometimes
it's fun
to go for something
you really love

and i love
learning
and helping others
and being present
and being around my son

(the son
who is thirty one
and still a sweetheart
and i did a few things right
like let him be honest
about his anger
and his "shadow" side
and loved him
when he finally,
in college had a reject Dad phase,
and kept trying to be honest
even about my wish
to keep showering him with
"good advise")

and i love this
adventure,
can i now
and now
and now

remember myself

this, today,
nowishly now,
is
meaning enough for me

and your meaning of Life??

??

and you
get to decide
the meaning
for you

love
chris

This is "hard." Is that true?

"this is hard:
doing
a post a day."

the thought arises,
the unhappiness and blocking
begin to form

and,
to the rescue:
4 questions
and a turn around.


is that true?
i don't know

can i absolutely know that this is true?
no.

How feel when attach to "hard" story?
burdened, weak, confused, stressed

how and who would i be without the "hard" story?
Amused, curious, what am i going to write today?

Turn around:
This is not hard,
a post a day

la la
when in doubt
or confused
or stressed

The Work of Byron Katie (thework.com)
is always useful,
so clear and
focuses me
back on the source
of all my misery
and all my happiness:

me and my thoughts about
What is.

and what does that
have to do
with Parenting?

everything

because when it's "hard"
is when we really can show the kids
how a person
can be present and loving
even when the dice
are stacked against them

show them how when the going gets tough
the tough
get loving
and
now-ing

wow

ciao,
chris