Wednesday, September 17, 2008

undoing relationship, keeping love, happiness, learning and awareness

i've undone relationship before...
the usual pattern is:
struggle and blame
say enough harsh things so the good stuff is all blown aside
get into an enemy/ enemy thing
focus of "what's wrong" with the other
focus on what you "didn't get"
focus on the "wrongs" done to you
feel unheard
feel unappreciated
feel angry/ sad/ a failure
try to get other people to take "your side"
get and stay tight and restricted around the other person

and so
most of you have done this once or more


I did a big crash
with another fine woman nine or ten
years ago,
and did all the above and more
after she was well gone
and angry enough at me
that she still won't speak to me
(bless her hurt heart)
i realized:
hey, I could have loved her
and encouraged her to live the life
she wanted to live:
the life without Chris life


does it mean i've failed or succeeded
when women want to leave me?


it means:
sometimes i'm so bossy i'm no fun
to be with
sometimes i'm so useful that my partners
gain in strength and confidence
sometimes i get clearer on what i want
in life
and wish myself for a different sort of

and more:

it means
it means

that Marlie
wants a life without me

and we both agree
to do it in a learning
and loving way

I'll be moving out in four months,
wanting to finish out a year
in this amazing place
and both of us
wanting time to help each other
and heal from any stupidities and meannesses
we've both been engaged in over the last
eight years

eight year?

long time

short time

it's been a wonderful trip

and the story:
"It's a failure because it is ending"
is a story worth
and as usual, I'll use the amazing
and sweet Work of Byron Katie,
leaves no room for bullshit
while giving all the access to heaven
without forgetting to sniff our own poop first

so here we go:

Judge Reality
Write it Down
Ask 4 Questions
Turn it Around

And here I judge myself and us and the relationship and write:

"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

Question 1: Is it true
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

It seems so.

Ah, yes. Seems so, is the everyday reality. But what is the proof
that this thought that
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"
is true?

Well, relationships shouldn't end.
Is that true.

So, maybe time for question number two.

Question 2: Can I absolutely know,
for my highest good and Marlie's highest good,
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

And the answer here,
clearly, is

I am not God.
I have no corner on what, in the long,
or even short, run
will be best for my highest good,
or Marlie's.

Question 3: How do I react when I attach to the thought
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

ah, dear:
I feel bad
afraid to live
like withdrawing
wanting to justify myself
wanting to blame Marlie, my mother, others
wanting to "give up"
not breathing
not loving life
not loving myself
not present
not home to myself
abandoning myself

question 3 is the consequences question.
1 and 2, let me know, that I'm basing my misery
on an opinion/ thought/ story rather than a reality

question 3 let's me know:
this is what I give myself by believing this
opinion/ thought/ story

and Ask 4 questions, calls for one heaven question
after all this sniffing my own delusion and self imposed suffering poop

Question 4:
Who or what would I be with the story/ thought/ belief/ opinion/ myth
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

I'd be sweetly curious:
what's coming next.

I'd be grateful:
so much wonderfulness we had.

I'd be excited:
how sweet and clear can these
last four months be.

I'd be dedicated:
perhaps I can be of use to others
who have or will travel this relationship undoing

And finally, the Turn Around,
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

Sort of dramatic:
Our relationship is not a failure because it's ending.

Our relationship is a success because we can end
with love
when one of us,
and really both in some ways,
want it to end.

Our relationship is a miracle,
it was to start,
it was in good and bad as it progressed,
and today,
as part of a new trajectory:
more miracle,
more chance to explore and deepen
living in the now,
which is another way of saying:
who would I be without my story:

unconditionally loving what is.

the Byron Katie work
gets you to truth
gets you to heaven
but you do need to descend
to judge
to be honest
to go within

just saying "unconditional love"
sounds great,
and then when someone does the
"worst thing"
that's the exciting time,
the time we can really learning what that means
and the bliss
of that sort of "tough love"
of What Is.

hoping you are finding bliss
and freedom on the
other side
of your

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