8th anniversay

this sunflower, came along, all on its own. one of many, many gifts


Well
well:

it's been a sweet ride

on the night of
September 21, 2000,
when I was sleeping outdoors
in the large garden of a house where I was renting
a couple of rooms
(this luxury, sleeping outside
in the fresh air and under the ceiling a billion
miles high, having been a requirement of mine
before I would rent the rooms,
and yes, there was indoor sleeping for the
harsher times of year,
but september, ah September, I was out
in the garden not yet asleep)

and a sweet friend came
by
to slip under the covers with me,

her name:
Marlie Wesner

and the night was nice

and very much of the next eight years has been nice.

she loves herself more
and me too

she is far better at yoga
and so am I

I have learned a whole new world,
the Feldenkrais, Anat Baniel world
She has far deepened her abilities to
teach yoga as a spiritual practice as well as
a physical thing

we've had tons of fun,
gone to Big Sur, and Malibu,
and ridden our bikes together a million miles
and worked in the community garden,
so beautiful when we were both there,
with little water,
and now, alas,
it's a bit sad

we've had many a sweet meal
and now,
eating outside
and we've created our own beautiful gardens

we listen,
sometimes,
sometimes in a structure I recommend to
everyone:
one talks for five minutes,
the other listens,
no interruption,
no comments
the next talks for five,
no comments on the first
and paying loving attention
to both the person as speaker in the present
and the person as listener in the present

the present
of real listening

sometimes we did the Work of
Byron Katie together
sometimes we didn't
and if I think
"Marlie should have done the work of Byron Katie more,"
guess what?
That's my work, not hers.

we were loving and supportive
we were critical and undermining

we did things together

some of us,
me,
wanted more to do together,
a building of an amazing combination
of yoga and Feldenkrais

some of us,
her,
wanted to be left alone
to their own path

some of us,
her,
wanted some of us,
me,
to behave in a more "fit in with the crowd"
way
and some of us,
me,
declined that path

we had and have our disagreements

we had and have our love

and now,
moving toward parting on the first of February,
we have our love and our learning
and not a little trepidation:
what is going to happen

and a lot of excitement:
what is going to happen

and a lot of love:
I want it to be good
for you,
sweetheart,
I want it to be good for you

and gratitude:
thanks,
darling,
for eight sweet and amazing
years

ciao,
and
love,
Chris

undoing relationship, keeping love, happiness, learning and awareness

i've undone relationship before...
the usual pattern is:
struggle and blame
say enough harsh things so the good stuff is all blown aside
get into an enemy/ enemy thing
focus of "what's wrong" with the other
focus on what you "didn't get"
focus on the "wrongs" done to you
feel unheard
feel unappreciated
feel angry/ sad/ a failure
try to get other people to take "your side"
get and stay tight and restricted around the other person

and so
on
most of you have done this once or more

oh,
well

I did a big crash
with another fine woman nine or ten
years ago,
and did all the above and more
then,
after she was well gone
and angry enough at me
that she still won't speak to me
(bless her hurt heart)
i realized:
hey, I could have loved her
and encouraged her to live the life
she wanted to live:
the life without Chris life

la,
la

does it mean i've failed or succeeded
when women want to leave me?

neither

it means:
sometimes i'm so bossy i'm no fun
to be with
sometimes i'm so useful that my partners
gain in strength and confidence
sometimes i get clearer on what i want
in life
and wish myself for a different sort of
relationship

and more:

it means
nothing
it means

now,
that Marlie
wants a life without me

and we both agree
to do it in a learning
and loving way

I'll be moving out in four months,
wanting to finish out a year
in this amazing place
and both of us
wanting time to help each other
and heal from any stupidities and meannesses
we've both been engaged in over the last
eight years

eight year?

long time

short time

it's been a wonderful trip

and the story:
"It's a failure because it is ending"
is a story worth
investigating,
and as usual, I'll use the amazing
and sweet Work of Byron Katie,
which
leaves no room for bullshit
while giving all the access to heaven
without forgetting to sniff our own poop first

so here we go:

Judge Reality
Write it Down
Ask 4 Questions
Turn it Around

And here I judge myself and us and the relationship and write:

"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

Question 1: Is it true
that
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

It seems so.

Ah, yes. Seems so, is the everyday reality. But what is the proof
that this thought that
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"
is true?

Well, relationships shouldn't end.
Is that true.
No.

So, maybe time for question number two.

Question 2: Can I absolutely know,
for my highest good and Marlie's highest good,
that
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

And the answer here,
clearly, is
no.

I am not God.
I have no corner on what, in the long,
or even short, run
will be best for my highest good,
or Marlie's.

Question 3: How do I react when I attach to the thought
that
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

ah, dear:
I feel bad
sad
worried
anxious
depressed
afraid to live
like withdrawing
blaming
wanting to justify myself
wanting to blame Marlie, my mother, others
wanting to "give up"
not breathing
not loving life
not loving myself
not present
not home to myself
abandoning myself

So,
question 3 is the consequences question.
1 and 2, let me know, that I'm basing my misery
on an opinion/ thought/ story rather than a reality

question 3 let's me know:
this is what I give myself by believing this
opinion/ thought/ story

and Ask 4 questions, calls for one heaven question
after all this sniffing my own delusion and self imposed suffering poop

Question 4:
Who or what would I be with the story/ thought/ belief/ opinion/ myth
that
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

I'd be sweetly curious:
what's coming next.

I'd be grateful:
so much wonderfulness we had.

I'd be excited:
how sweet and clear can these
last four months be.

I'd be dedicated:
perhaps I can be of use to others
who have or will travel this relationship undoing
route.

And finally, the Turn Around,
to
"Our relationship is a failure because it's ending"

Sort of dramatic:
Our relationship is not a failure because it's ending.

Our relationship is a success because we can end
with love
when one of us,
and really both in some ways,
want it to end.

Our relationship is a miracle,
it was to start,
it was in good and bad as it progressed,
and today,
as part of a new trajectory:
more miracle,
more chance to explore and deepen
living in the now,
which is another way of saying:
who would I be without my story:

free,
unconditionally loving what is.


Notice:
the Byron Katie work
gets you to truth
gets you to heaven
but you do need to descend
to judge
to be honest
to go within


just saying "unconditional love"
sounds great,
and then when someone does the
"worst thing"
that's the exciting time,
the time we can really learning what that means
and the bliss
of that sort of "tough love"
of What Is.

hoping you are finding bliss
and freedom on the
other side
of your
"suffering"

The Turn Around, or Chris and Marlie: two dumb dumbs

so
the turn around
is always a shock

(( turn around?
as in
the Work of Byron Katie:
Judge your neighbor,
Write it down,
Ask four questions,
Turn it around;


and what are the 4 questions?:
the questions are:
Is it True?
Can I absolutely know it's true?
How do I react and what do I do
when I attach to believing the thought?
Who or what would I be without the thought?)




ah yes,
so,
the turn around is
always a shock
and a delight
and a pathway
into freedom
and humility
and sometimes
to humor

a thought:
"So and so should listen to me more,"
goes to "I should listen to so and so more,"
and
"I should listen to me more."

So,
"Marlie shouldn't leave me"

Turns around to

"I shouldn't leave me"

and

"I shouldn't leave Marlie."

one at
a
time

"I shouldn't leave me"
means
I shouldn't abandon loving myself,
liking myself,
being kind to myself,
shouldn't get into feeling I'm a failure
and attacking myself
or
abandon myself by getting into
attacking
(in my mind, or with my mouth)
Marlie, or my mother, say
for teaching me so habits
that make me not the greatest person
to live with sometimes

not abandon myself
means
be present
now
and
now
and
now


Two
"I shouldn't leave Marlie."

and yes, there are big parts of this
separation that come from me
wanting it

I could do the work on "I shouldn't leave Marlie"
and see if that is true, and so on.

Because in a total way
this is a two way deal,
and this morning I just came to a clear
formulation of it.

Like this:

Marlie wants me to be a nicer person.

Cool.
And unfortunately,
when she goes about trying to "fix"
this in me,
she is not nice,
but instead mean and unmindful.

I am want Marlie to be more dedicated to mindfulness.

Cool.
And unfortunately,
when I go about trying to "fix"
this in her,
I am not mindful,
but instead mean and unmindful.

Two dumb
dumbs
slogging it
out,
and
giving up
on the slog.

We shouldn't give up.
Is that true?

Not if she wants to now,
that's her life.

My life is to love her in her wish,
and to stay as mindful
and kind
to her
and myself
as we go about this.

Work?

Yeah.

Good, sweet,
amazing work, that burns out what
needs to be cleared.

curve 3, question 3, Marlie "shouldn't...."

beauty I'll be leaving, oh well

curve ball 3, and question 3 of the Work of Byron Katie
Marlie shouldn't leave me:

Q 1: Is that true?
I don't know.

Q 2: Can I absolutely know this is true?
No.

Another way of putting q2: Can I absolutely know
that for
my highest good
and
Marlie's highest good
that this shouldn't be happening?

Ans: No.

And Q 3, and of course
we are coming round to The Work of Byron Katie
again:

Q 3: How do I react, and what do I do,
when I attach to the thought
that
"Marlie shouldn't leave me."

How I react with "feelings:"
sad
mad
feeling a failure
feeling afraid
feeling cheated, robbed of all the effort and love I've given
misused
abandoned
poor me
weak
furious

And what do I do?
Want to hide.
Want to lash out.
Want to blame.
Want to get busy, go to movies, overeat,
overexercise, thrash around
and
so
on

My my,
I'd better do the fourth Q,
just to remind myself
that there is another world.

I'll it on my own, and
tomorrow
do it on
here

and for now notice
this about Q 3:

this is what we do
to ourselves
when we chose
(usually out of habit
and fear
and stupidity
and "being like everyone else"
and the wish
to
"be right")
to attach to / believe / stick by
our thought/ belief/ opinion/ myth

la
la:
guess what:
I am responsible for my
unhappiness,
but
only 100%

and I stole
that from Katie

ciao
for
now


For now,
if you are local
and reading this:
you have four months
to do the Byron Katie work
with me
if you want

or the amazing
Feldie
Anat Baniel
pain to normal to way better than
you've been in years
work

then
i'm gone from Sonoma

ciao
Chris

the trouble with me

sometimes

is that i want to
control
the world

sweet little
big
wonderful

wild and woolly
world

doesn't go that way

so:
what to do?

the usual:
find something interesting
to sense
in the moment

be alive to the possibilities
and the humor
of being
wrong

being right
is
such
a stiff
and sticky pedestal
on which
to try to live

ah,
me,

the failures
i've made

what cha
going to do???

Undoing Stress, and Undoing the Marlie/Chris thing

Undoing Stress, and Undoing the Marlie/Chris thing:


this is the subject
and the flow
and the learning
of the blog over
at TaiChiYogHealthWeightLoss blogspot

give it a look
if you want

love
and
learning
and
nowing
to you,
at
all
and every moment
you would
love
like
enjoy
and benefit
from this