fun and unimportant

i making a stool
to hold a harmonium
for Sukhawat
Marlie's Indian vocal music teacher

I took an old chicken feeder



undid it



made a stool








had Suhkawat put the last
two screws
in




found it didn't balance




decided to do another one





did




didn't like the first one,
took it apart




and am not(Freudian slip, supposed to say: "now") making
another,

pieces of the old one
and set up
to make two more
one for me,
one for Sukhawat



and this is all fun
and great chance to be present
or be in a froth to "get it done"


and sometimes it works out
and sometimes not

this is fun
this in unimportant


sort of like life
really
though you aren't supposed to say that


and yet
something is important
just not the things
that everyone
gets caught in


and what's left?
what doesn't catch us?

what leaves us free?


ah, good question,
eh?

Why am I leaving?

Why leaving?

To see
Arcata
Hawaii
Mexico
Austin
Missouri

Who knows what else?

Do discover who I
am
out of my rut.

Do be of use to people
around the
country,
world.

Do learn how to better
be of
use.

To see life
in various
other
shapes
forms
and modes.

To create something new.

To meet new people.

To advance my work.

To be of service.

To sharpen
my life
in the present.

To sweeten
my love of
What Is

For the sake
of Coming to a
New Place

Love Is

love is
easy
really

and that's so strange
to most people
most of the time

that's because
they
we
you and me
we forget
that love is about the other person:

when we want for the me, me, me
thing
running out robot show,
then we are going to be disappointed,
sooner or later,
without fail

when we want the other person
to have
be
and do
exactly what they are doing
feel what they are feeling
like and dislike what they dislike

then it is easy:
because they are just doing what they
always do

another way of saying this:

love is
allowing the other person
to do, feel, be what they
are
doing, feeling, being

and the easiness:
we don't have a choice

and when we realize that:
love


so:
a friend dies

what they did:
left the scene

a certain physical pain
may erupt for awhile,
but the suffering of
"they should still be here"
so I can talk to them, and
share time and love with them,
that's about me, me, me

a nice and loving part
of me, me, me

and still:
their path, their choice:
to die

can we love them
where they are
exactly where they are:
not here


and so,
as Marlie and I get along better
than ever
anyone I tell
that we are going to go separate ways
come February
is
"sorry"
or "feels bad for me," for
us,
and yet,
we are just fine,
deeply loving

our path:
to be together now

our path:
to be apart after February

when that time comes
I'll either love her
as a person not sharing my daily life
and feel clear present and happy

or,
I'll "miss" her
and want her to want to be connected
in our daily life,
which she doesn't want,
and then
I'll suffer

suffering is option

I'll do the work of Byron Katie

I like ongoing happiness, being present
and love

if you want the same for yourself,
you might try the work yourself.

your choice

your sweet and precious choice:

enjoy

---

today's Work of Byron Katie
over at 108 days: Undoing a Wonderful Relationship with Love and Learning

"Other people should be more understanding of what
'Marlie and I are doing" Is that true?

Getting Along Better

sleeping outdoors, with a friend, under stars: nice


if you knew that your partner
was
going to die
in the next four months,
you'd probably treat them considerably better,
right?

and vice-versa:
if they knew you were going to die,
the taking for granted
and pettiness of most relationship
life,
to say nothing of manuevering for
control
that could fade way to the background

and here's a way
we often
or, to be honest,
almost always,
forget to look at things:

my partner is going to die
I'm going to die

ah,
my

and then, we put that
off into
the
"not soon,"
"not us,"
"I've got other issues to steam in"
wastebin of ordinary existence

Well, good news
around here:

Marlie and I,
knowing that we are parting on the first of February,
have taken sweet steps
back toward appreciating each
other more or less
full time,
supporting,
listening,
learning,
loving

it's not so
bad

it's great, in a way:
and a reminder:
we could have been this way
all
the time

and we weren't


and even if we were always kind,
there were differences,
and I have been exploring for awhile with her
the idea
that I didn't think we could last full time
(my narrowness?
my vision?
both?
who knows, doesn't matter,
love matters,
not that something "last"
"forever and ever")

and her,
she wants a simpler life,
a her at the center,
not so crowded with another person
around,
especially one with a forceful personality,
setting up "the way"
things should be done

and this,
the forcing my way,
I'm greatly enjoying letting go,
knowing of our death coming up

and I fail sometimes
at this giving
up of boss nonsense
and sometimes
I don't fail

good

and we can joke
now
instead of argue
about our differences
and listen more
about where the other wants to
head

and even,
(so great, this
so sweet)
be of use to each other as we
venture in different directions


not bad,
a mini-death looming

and it's there for all of us,
any relationship
death will come:
one will die, the other will die,
one will say first,
"it's time to go separately,"
or
the other will

and then
we can fight and argue and blame
and garner up "friends"
to "take our side"
(friends is in quotes there,
because though pretend friends
like to try for closeness via the
common enemy route
and "help" (really hurt) a person
think they are "right" in a
"struggle",
these aren't really friends,
they are gossipers,
and soul thieves,
chickens looking for a wounded one to
peck)

that's the normal way:
fight
argue,
be bitter
blame
get the "help" and agreement of false friends

and then
the way of waking:
what sweetness
what mindfulness
what helpfulness can I bring
to the last months
before my death

a good way to go about all
of life,
knowing death could be any moment

hmmm

is this "heavy"
or is thihttp://www2.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs freedom

in our reactions one thing,
in reality,
another

good


today at 108 days:
Marlie should stop seeing the sins of my past
in the actions of my present

(and a reminder,
this is the Work of Bryon Katie,
where you look for the remaining judgments,
and deal with them,
you don't pretend you are in unconditional love
until you really
really are:
the amazing wisdom of
Judge Your Neighbor
Write it Down
Ask Four Questions
Turn it Around

it's so easy to stop the work
when things get calm
and pleasant
and my commitment
is to do it to the bottom

ciao,
Chris on Thursday

8th anniversay

this sunflower, came along, all on its own. one of many, many gifts


Well
well:

it's been a sweet ride

on the night of
September 21, 2000,
when I was sleeping outdoors
in the large garden of a house where I was renting
a couple of rooms
(this luxury, sleeping outside
in the fresh air and under the ceiling a billion
miles high, having been a requirement of mine
before I would rent the rooms,
and yes, there was indoor sleeping for the
harsher times of year,
but september, ah September, I was out
in the garden not yet asleep)

and a sweet friend came
by
to slip under the covers with me,

her name:
Marlie Wesner

and the night was nice

and very much of the next eight years has been nice.

she loves herself more
and me too

she is far better at yoga
and so am I

I have learned a whole new world,
the Feldenkrais, Anat Baniel world
She has far deepened her abilities to
teach yoga as a spiritual practice as well as
a physical thing

we've had tons of fun,
gone to Big Sur, and Malibu,
and ridden our bikes together a million miles
and worked in the community garden,
so beautiful when we were both there,
with little water,
and now, alas,
it's a bit sad

we've had many a sweet meal
and now,
eating outside
and we've created our own beautiful gardens

we listen,
sometimes,
sometimes in a structure I recommend to
everyone:
one talks for five minutes,
the other listens,
no interruption,
no comments
the next talks for five,
no comments on the first
and paying loving attention
to both the person as speaker in the present
and the person as listener in the present

the present
of real listening

sometimes we did the Work of
Byron Katie together
sometimes we didn't
and if I think
"Marlie should have done the work of Byron Katie more,"
guess what?
That's my work, not hers.

we were loving and supportive
we were critical and undermining

we did things together

some of us,
me,
wanted more to do together,
a building of an amazing combination
of yoga and Feldenkrais

some of us,
her,
wanted to be left alone
to their own path

some of us,
her,
wanted some of us,
me,
to behave in a more "fit in with the crowd"
way
and some of us,
me,
declined that path

we had and have our disagreements

we had and have our love

and now,
moving toward parting on the first of February,
we have our love and our learning
and not a little trepidation:
what is going to happen

and a lot of excitement:
what is going to happen

and a lot of love:
I want it to be good
for you,
sweetheart,
I want it to be good for you

and gratitude:
thanks,
darling,
for eight sweet and amazing
years

ciao,
and
love,
Chris