one more time, "tired" and whatnot, so let's see what happens

how about a few pictures first,
to avoid the writing;

Sonoma garden

Orcas, in the winter,

which I'm avoiding this year

Austin one morning this winter,

just to show how far 

"avoidance" will get you

Okay, time to "get to work"

and is that true?

I'm at an airport in the middle of california,
waiting for a plane.....

The plane will take me to Austin,
so this seems like a  journey, right.
going somewhere
i've never been to Austin.

i know two people there,
one a friend of my son's,
who my son is sure will turn me on to lots of people
for the amazing work i do
and a friend I met at a conference, in chicago last summer,
a friend who has disappeared since our time together

my friend's son won't call back,
has answered one email,

no one is interested in helping me get started in Austin.

it's october 16 of 2010,
that's last fall

october 16 of 2009 I started living on Orcas island full time,
and wanted to do something else for the winter

i'm 65 years old

so I'm on a journey
that you are on:
I was born,
way back here,
and now I'm here

and I lived up here,
and I'm going to here

and before Orcas,
which was a couple of months in the summer of 2009
i lived in.


okay,
the facts of all the places aren't interesting right now

born 1945
so far 65 years later,
i'm at an airport
on the way

where was I halfway between 0 and 65,
let's call that 33
and I was in Berkeley, my son is two years old,
he was born in Berkeley,
the son who grew up to have the friend,
Jake Silverstein,
who is now the editor of the TExas Monthly
and maybe he'll get back to me someday
maybe not.

so,
journey:
Southern California to Northern California
Betkeley to Sonoma
Sonoma to cutting loose in February of 2009

12 years of Sonoma
22 of Berkeley,
two of the great places and why would I want anything more?

have you ever got tried of "really great" according to everyone,
but you wanted something more

like awakened people

or a climate less jolted by global warming

or a different scene just for a different scene

or you didn't think your work was respected enough in the "home town," a
and wanted to take it somewhere

or, a relationship was over
and that seemed the end of an era
and it was time to move on

Marile
sweet gal
8 years
we decided to split
blah, blah,
I'm tired of that one,
i'm tired of why I left Sonoma

I wanted to see the world

on January 31, 2009 my former girlfreind of 8 years,
holds me in her arms and i hold her,
and she cries and we part

we have been friends
lovers
gardeners and bike riders
explorers of Byron Katie, and yoga and Feldenkrais and hypnosis
together
we've read books together
created two gardens
slept outside for months on end in two different location
gone on some great camping adventures
had some fine talks
created a lot of healing for each other
helped raise her second daughter together a bit,
had some sweet times
and 5 months before we decided to part ways

why wait until january 31?
we'd found the almost perfect place in the country
and neither wanted to give it up,
and we'd started there feb 1, 2008
so I said i'd leave feb 1, 2009
we'd part

why did we decide to part?

the journey of awakening,
she didn't want to join

the journey of the Feldenkrais Anat Baniel work,
she didn't want to join

i wasn't being allow to ply my trade craft art on
the almost perfect land (picture of the roses in the
garden above)

reasons, reasons,

time to go

she drops me off,
I'm in Berkeley, and I've set up a month in Tuscon starting a week later in February.

I go to various places, one in
atlanta, I work on a table like this with a special needs child,
bently grace,
her picture is in my composite

and the Tucson sunset

and the Arcata farmer's market

finally in June i arrive in Orcas

many places have been touted as reallly great

to me, Orcas is.

reasons, reasons:
hitchiking
exchange
keys in the car
everyone knows permaculture
library as social center
interweaving fun house people taking care of each other

and it's heaven

and this and that happens which would take too long to explain
and some travelling to Gunnison Colorado

and the back to Orcas in Ocober of 2009
and then there for a year,
but for training in the Anat Baniel systen

which is.
anyone want to move better

anyone want to lie of the table and feel better

and october 16 2010
I'm on a plane to Austin,
and someone I don't know is
picking me up

John Green and Brigette Reece,
who live on Reese street in Sunset Valley
are going the couch surfing thing for me

three nights
i help them with their garden


22 minutes

man, this is great
and i'm still tired

luckily a friend has designated herself
as the pull this together person

good luck
and
thanks to
Amparo

soft stomach, open heart, curiosity

loving what is:
the key to
changing
and to
being content,
change or no change


soft belly,
breathe easy,
be present:

in moving
and learning to be at ease
as we reach
and twist
and balance
and move in various directions:
keeping the head and neck free
keeping the stomach soft,
keeping the breathing easy,
being curious:
how could I make this a little easier,
how could I be a little more aware
how could I be a little more kind to myself
how could I allow the various parts of me to help with the whole of me

all this:
good

and when
a so called
"trouble" happens in our life

say
a beautiful partner
wishes to be on her own
and the "end" is what is
coming

again:
keeping the breathing
and the thinking soft:
no enemies
no blames
not even regrets

what has been wonderful:
good
what has been less than wonderful:
good, what can I learn from that

what mistakes have I made?
good:
softly examine,
no self hatred
how could I have been less about me
and more about her
curious:
what can I learn about
how to love
better

and when she was less than wonderful:
good,
what can I learn about being kind
to
a person
who is in a troubled place

as Jesus says,
anyone can love someone who's treating
you all peaches and cream
and
then
when you want to really learn about love,
love the one who is giving you a hard time

and now:
not to give me
a hard
time
or her

and the open heart:
how can I love
change
that my "mind"
"doesn't want"
how can I love
life
when it is
(as it always is)
out of my control

and the Neurological Upgrading Work?
ah,
soft belly,
stay in the present,
curious:
what can be just a little better
now
and
then
now
and
then
now


good,

lot's of learning
and loving possible

if I am to live happily
in what is supposed
to be an unhappy
time

Undoing Stress, and Undoing the Marlie/Chris thing

Undoing Stress, and Undoing the Marlie/Chris thing:


this is the subject
and the flow
and the learning
of the blog over
at TaiChiYogHealthWeightLoss blogspot

give it a look
if you want

love
and
learning
and
nowing
to you,
at
all
and every moment
you would
love
like
enjoy
and benefit
from this

boy's stuff, girl's stuff

Marlie had her feet made pretty henna designed
at the green music festival

(More Marlie fun at marvelousmarlie.blogspot.com)

and I had
a faucet break down
and delved into the weird joy
of not knowing what I was doing
as I puttered and experimented toward
"getting it"




taken apart faucet


bunch of tools I ended up not needing



tools I actually needed



all's well that end's well, including the 42 cent part that was necessary


more chris fun,
right here,
see Index

and maybe even at
WakeUp-Feldenkrais.blogspot.com/

what is a life?

Wenonah, daughter, and new friend, Oscar, dog


me in some silliness



Neighbor Terri and cactus friends gave him ten years ago






Marlie in the garden we made,
and is growing
day by day

a life
lived in the moment
could be like this:

this moment is interesting
and
now
this moment is interesting
and
now
this moment is interesting

---

for some speculation
on tai chi
and chi gung
and various ideas
of "tucking the tailbone under"
sooner of later,
there
will be an batch of thoughts,
not too many really,
you explore
and discover for yourself

at

staying awake

when i eat too
much
late in the evening

i can forget to stay
awake

and then i remember
and when i'm really awake
it's so lovely
that i don't have the usual
energy

to beat myself
up for the "mistake"
of "eating too much
too late."

besides:
raw food,
brendan enjoying his,
marlie thrilled with ideas
for homemaking miso
(she smart,
not eating,
looking beautiful)
and that's nice

as Katie
( and the work)
suggests:
take the idea

"I made a mistake"

and run it through:
judge your neighbor (sometimes yourself)
write it down
ask four questions
turn it around

fun:
loving what is:
fun

experiencing
this life
now
which is all
i can really touch
and experience:
nice

sweet nice
life

i hope
yours is
so easy

and all
it takes
is a turning
turning
the Sufi's turning
re-turning

back
back
to the Self
the quiet
experiencing
without describing

this
now

yes

Saturday the beautiful, M's b-day and so on

if someone is in our life
and we are talking to them
and we know we are talking to
them
and we know they are
sort of listening to us
and sort of thinking what to say
and sort of lost in whatever whatever
we are awake
and in conversation

this is hard,
and in a dream
last night
i was explaining the Gurdjieff
idea of remembering ourselves
to a group
of people
and was remembering myself
as i did it.

amazingly high
feeling

and now,
for the
glories of today:

Marlie had party at garden
semi surprise
and very nice.
see her almost blog; MarvelousMarlie.blogspot.com

and National Writing Month
continues:

today's excerpt:

“And if you kill yourself, then I’m a failure, so we can have something in common. Would you like me better if I were a failure.”

Jasper grins. Twenty five. Wound up. Rich kid out on his own. Confused as hell. Pissed about the poverty of the spirit that seemed central to all the jobs that wanted him. Spoiled a bit, parents paying for therapy. Poor little rich boy with the usual lack of love and self confidence of those who haven’t had to overcome real obstacles.

“Yeah. I’d like you a lot better if you were a failure, too.”

“Okay. I am a failure.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“My boyfriend just went off with another woman after I discovered them making out together in a park that he knows is practically my favorite place in the world.”

He looks at her. She is sad. A little. Not enough. But still. That is kind of a failure. “How long were you together?”

“Five years.”

“Okay. That counts as a failure.”

“Feel better?”

“Actually. Not really. But I like you more.”

“I’ll try to fail more often.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Okay. I’ll try to learn from my mistakes.”

“What mistakes did you make with him?”

“I didn’t listen to his silences and learn that they were unhappy and not just private.”

Jasper gets scared. This woman is smart. He doesn’t really hate her. He desperately wants her to like him, no, love him, why couldn’t he have had a mother with sensitivity and intelligence, or at least one of the two. A drinker and a stinker and someone who’s idea of thinking was to call the Democrats “socialists.” What a stupid bitch.

“I hate my mother.”

“So do I,” says Karen, somehow wanting to confuse Jasper’s poor me, little child bereft and alone act.

“You hate my mother without even knowing her. Because she was so mean to me?”

“Mean Mom. ‘Mean’ means, didn’t do what I wanted. No, your Mom is fine until proven guilty. Mine was an insensitive cow. For a couple of minutes I’ll join in your indulgence and hate her.”

“A couple of minutes? I’ve hated my Mom for years.”

“And that’s got her to shape up? The way killing her will.”

“You are going too fast.”

“Killing yourself punishes her. She feels bad that she has failed with you. It bothers her until the stupid shit that always diverted her from paying real attention to you once more diverts her and she is back into lala land.”

“She is from L.A.”

“Okay. I’ll hate her, too. Does one good to hate all the insensitive Moms in L.A.”

“That’s a lot of Moms,” says Jasper, almost with humor. Gallows humor is always the first step. No, is a crucial first step to finding a philosophy of living in a fucked up, narcissistic, lopsided and shitholes world.

Is that really what she thinks the world is????

Two days to go

On Thursday
November 1
begins the
NaNoWriMo/ National November Writing Month
during which anyone gung ho
or crazy
or curious enough
is set loose to attempt
a 50,000 word novel
in one month

is invited to
GO FOR IT.

I'm going to go for it,
so the blogs that month
might be a bit skimpy.

and of course:
writing is one
thing
and being
awake
while writing
is a whole sweet game
beyond the game

looking forward
to both

and never have
to wait
for the right time
to wake up





a beginning of a blog
for Marlie starting at
Marvelous Marlie Blog