Wonderful Relationship, part 12

Sometimes we go about ruining our relationships with complaining. Our friend / partner/ lover is doing something we don’t like and we yap, yap, yap, about “You always do this.” And it’s twin, “You never ….”

The first question of the Work of Byron Katie: Is it true? Should be enough to get us laughing about our always and never statements.

But, what do we really want?

Well, at one level we want them to do something different.

Say, they pick food off our plate and we don’t like that.

We can COMPLAIN: “You are such a pig. You act like everything is yours.”

We can DEMAND: “This drives me crazy. You have to stop this.”

We can REQUEST: “I’d really like it if you’d stop picking food off my plate.”


Now, a request is a hidden demand if the person has to only reply to our request in the way we want.

So, say for some reason, they just love to pick to food off our plate, or keep forgetting and do it now and then.


Here’s an interesting distinction: love vs getting our way.

If we have to get our way, we can keep demanding, or complaining or requesting. If we can get beyond that it’s all about me syndrome, then sometimes we can request again, and sometimes just be charmed at the way they do whatever they do, including drive us crazy sometimes.


If we can only love the other person when things are done our way, we don’t really know what love is yet.