what would your mother say, if she were dead and you were grieving?

so hi,

and hey,

someone has to ask the question,
right,
about the grieving thing
which is
"normal"
and if you don't do it "enough"
all sorts of bad stuff is supposed to happen
and besides
everyone will think you're a creep

and God knows, the purpose of life
is to avoid other people's bad opinions

but,
let's ask the dead Mom's
what they would want

and guess what,
this has not been tested or approved by the FDA

so:
hey Mom,
you're dead,
and my question is:

how much should I grieve

and here's the answer I here:

"As much as you want,
but from the dead side
of things,
you really see how amazing
the life side of things
is,
and don't grieve so much
you forget
even for a second
how amazingly lucky
YOU are
to be in the life boat,
the ship of the living,
RIGHT NOW

so stay present while you grieve
and immensely grateful to be alive

and if you want to feel grateful
to me
go ahead,
that's good for you

but why cry about gratitude
I loved loving you

and if you want to keep loving
me,
go ahead,
that's good for you,

but why cry because we can't hug
or talk

just send me love
all the love you want

it's the best you can
do and
loving yourself
for doing the best you can do

is what I want for you

and the yucky sobering part of
grieving
the part where you have these
chilly realizations that you
could have loved me more

hey, forgive yourself,
i could have loved you more,
too,
and it's just the reminder that's important:

love people while they are alive
call them
up
write them,
have their memorial six months BEFORE
they die
not two weeks after

just learn from what you weren't perfect
in
me,
I wasn't perfect either

forgive me
in case some of your grieving is convoluted
anger that I wasn't better

i was perfect
you weren't perfect

that's perfect

send me all the love you
want
and then
quit grieving
and go out and love so living
people better
and better each day

and here's a hint:
you're a living people

so love yourself better each
day
too

good,
love
Mom

Love, 22 minutes to mull this jewel of life

In life we venture out sometimes and bump
up against someone with whom
the sparks fly,
the laughter is easy,
the touch is nice,
the words come straight and true.

Or so we think.
And then, sooner, later, they turn out to be
gasp
just like us
oh, no,
gasp again
imperfect.

As Katie (as in Byron Katie, via thework.com) would say:
Oh, well.

But we don't say, "Oh, well."
we say,  "Oh, hell,
what have we done,
sold our soul
into trouble and damnation."

And then we go about
"fixing" things.

Now in the Feldenkrais work and the Anat Baniel Method,
we don't go about "fixing" people's "bodies."

I refuse even to call what I do there "bodywork."

We are doing whole system upgrading and if that
"fixes" a knee or shoulder or hip or back,
so be it,
but the finished lesson means this:
the person is newer and more true to how they
could best be in life.

And in love,
we forget about whole person upgrading,
especially whole person upgrading of ourselves.

The other person does X
wrong.
This bothers us.

Solution:
get them to stop doing X.

Now, love that isn't "love"
might realize that there are always more than
one solution
and the solution that isn't joyous
and present
isn't a real solution at all.

So, here's another "solution,"
we stop being bothered when the other person
does X.

Another solution,
We are charmed when the other person does X

Another solution,
we are sympathetic to watching more closely
when they do X

Are they in pain

Is this some pattern dropped on them by parents

Are they avoiding expressing something else that is bothering them

And then,
and then,
and then,
the glory of
A. the work of Byron Katie
B. new age slop crap: the other person is the mirror
C. old age Jesus stop about don't get hung up about the
speck in your neighbor's eye
when ya'll gots
a big old log in your own.
(always a tricky metaphor to visualize,
for me,
anyway)

So , in Katie land its called the turn around:

our buddy friend lover love
does
X
and it bugs us

How do we do X?

To ourselves.

To our friend lover mate.

To the world.

So: like this.

Our love is not respectful
in certain circumstances.

Oh My God.
What an awful thing.

Or
Oh, well,
that's the way they are sometimes

Or,
curiosity:
what's really bothering them
and keeping them from being present
when they are being disrespectful?

Or:
the turn around:
when have when been unrespectful and or
disrespectful

to the lover friend person?

to ourselves?

to other people in our lives?


And then,
of course,
the whole boring and always true
family history slop:
when were and how were they/ we
treated dis and or un respectfully when
we were the small dependent creatures
that we are
when we are young?

So,
when the buddy friend love lover
is disrespectful
we have lots of options:

get tweeked

complain to them

complain to our friends

give them ultimatums

give ourselves anger fear depression obsession worry

or

WAKE UP

smell the humanity:

ah, they are imperfect
what's going on

how can I be so present that this behavior
isn't pulling me out of the miracle
joy of
knowing I'm alive

how can I take my tweeking
as a reminder that
I haven't always been treated well
and haven't learned
yet,
that other people just do this and that
sometimes
even though we wish they wouldn't


So,
here's love
here's life:

someone comes along and we get to learn this
about love:

love is an action

the action of loving another person
not only when they are Ms Perfect or Mr Perfect
but when they are
life us:
imperfect



"love is blind"
yeah, yeah:
especially when we think we have finally met the
perfect one

but love should be "blind"
in the sense that
looking at and obsessing on the imperfections
blinds us
to the glory:

we are to miraculous people
together,
for some reason

in this miracle of life


(and that's 22 minutes)

love
Chris

the glory of death

THE GLORY OF DEATH

this is one of the things you
aren't supposed to
say
right?

OH, WELL

and hey:
in a way,
death is really cool

and what's so cool about it?

it's so clean

it's no bullshit

it's clear
and finished

it's not a halfway thing

to me
falling in love
is like that:
boom,
you are in a different
state

marriage,
hmmm,
is usually a nice game
that may
or may not be real

darn
another thing you probably aren't supposed
to say

oh,
well times 2

and

what's done
is done

(note the number one
guaranteed losing bet:
that the past
be
different
than it
was)




death is
done

the person is gone

and guess what?

you can still love
them

and guess what:
you can have the best talks
you ever wanted with them

get out a pencil
write both sides
maybe you are "hearing their spirit"
maybe you are "making it up"

and what is the "making it up"
other than hearing something
that is in there
was in there
was hidden
was waiting

maybe they didn't even know
and it's there
however wonderful a something
you want to
hear from the gone person
or say
to them

this wonderful thing
was always there
waiting to be said
waiting to be felt
waiting to be shared

it's real

all the wonderful
stuff
is real


is that true?
maybe
.

i don't know
and
it's a nice
story

love
is the key
to a lot
of life
left in the living

love the death
love our grief
love our joy for them
love our incompleteness
love their imperfection
our imperfection
our yearning to have had it "better"

and be
right now
the "better"
we were waiting for
all along

passover

what is passover???

ciao
Chris