Thursday, September 25, 2008

Getting Along Better

sleeping outdoors, with a friend, under stars: nice

if you knew that your partner
going to die
in the next four months,
you'd probably treat them considerably better,

and vice-versa:
if they knew you were going to die,
the taking for granted
and pettiness of most relationship
to say nothing of manuevering for
that could fade way to the background

and here's a way
we often
or, to be honest,
almost always,
forget to look at things:

my partner is going to die
I'm going to die


and then, we put that
off into
"not soon,"
"not us,"
"I've got other issues to steam in"
wastebin of ordinary existence

Well, good news
around here:

Marlie and I,
knowing that we are parting on the first of February,
have taken sweet steps
back toward appreciating each
other more or less
full time,

it's not so

it's great, in a way:
and a reminder:
we could have been this way
the time

and we weren't

and even if we were always kind,
there were differences,
and I have been exploring for awhile with her
the idea
that I didn't think we could last full time
(my narrowness?
my vision?
who knows, doesn't matter,
love matters,
not that something "last"
"forever and ever")

and her,
she wants a simpler life,
a her at the center,
not so crowded with another person
especially one with a forceful personality,
setting up "the way"
things should be done

and this,
the forcing my way,
I'm greatly enjoying letting go,
knowing of our death coming up

and I fail sometimes
at this giving
up of boss nonsense
and sometimes
I don't fail


and we can joke
instead of argue
about our differences
and listen more
about where the other wants to

and even,
(so great, this
so sweet)
be of use to each other as we
venture in different directions

not bad,
a mini-death looming

and it's there for all of us,
any relationship
death will come:
one will die, the other will die,
one will say first,
"it's time to go separately,"
the other will

and then
we can fight and argue and blame
and garner up "friends"
to "take our side"
(friends is in quotes there,
because though pretend friends
like to try for closeness via the
common enemy route
and "help" (really hurt) a person
think they are "right" in a
these aren't really friends,
they are gossipers,
and soul thieves,
chickens looking for a wounded one to

that's the normal way:
be bitter
get the "help" and agreement of false friends

and then
the way of waking:
what sweetness
what mindfulness
what helpfulness can I bring
to the last months
before my death

a good way to go about all
of life,
knowing death could be any moment


is this "heavy"
or is thi freedom

in our reactions one thing,
in reality,


today at 108 days:
Marlie should stop seeing the sins of my past
in the actions of my present

(and a reminder,
this is the Work of Bryon Katie,
where you look for the remaining judgments,
and deal with them,
you don't pretend you are in unconditional love
until you really
really are:
the amazing wisdom of
Judge Your Neighbor
Write it Down
Ask Four Questions
Turn it Around

it's so easy to stop the work
when things get calm
and pleasant
and my commitment
is to do it to the bottom

Chris on Thursday

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