Other people love us, and sometimes they forget

So much of life
is so agonized by wising, wanting, demanding
that some one,
or some ones
appreciate or love or approve of us more.

Trick and truth is:
they do love us.
They may be capable of appreciating us.
They may have the generosity to approve of us.
They may not.

And they do love us.

They just don't know it.

This is an exercise from the book, for sale to the right:
And it's a doozy.

Take someone with whom things seem not to be "going so well,"
and write a if from them to you,
a pretend
letter
to you.

In that letter say exactly what you want to hear.

This is them.

If the letter is kind and loving and apologetic and open
and insightful and seeing how you and they are the same,
and admiring and loving you.

This is who they really are.

You'll feel it.
You'll notice it.

They might never notice nor ever feel this love.

Oh, well.
It's there.

Life is good.

Just relax when someone can't come through with the goods.

Life is good.

They would love you if they could.

They are afraid,
or don't know how to love,
or are afraid to love more,
or afraid to love at all,
or never really learned how to love.

And where are they going to learn?

You loving them, even when they forget that
they love
you.

That's one way they'll learn.

And another: they'll discover the pain of not loving themselves,
and stop.
If they are wise and alert and notice what's what.

If not, they'll keep suffering and
not yet knowing how to love you,
and so be it.

Love them all you can.

They are you, when you forget how much
love you have.

When you forget how much love,
you
are.

Good.

To be fully alive, Day Twenty Eight

We can torture ourselves to live up to some standard of “being good.” We can look inside and love ourselves and look outside and at least enjoy the people around us, and from a sense of being “Fully Alive,” we can treat them in ways that make us and them happy.

the porpoise of Life
Chris Elms, March 31, 2010


The porpoise of
Life is to
Live

Not to be good
Though if you are really stressed
or have an IQ lower than
Body Temperature
Being Good
Will keep you out of
Trouble

But to be
Fully
Alive
go ahead
and make
Mistakes

Just be present enough
To
Look at everyone around you
And
Be happier
When they are happy
And do something in your actions
That creates
Fully aliveness in
You
And
Happiness
in
All

So this is the game today: be present. Present and happy. Sense your arms and legs and spine, without “trying to” be “good,” but just because it’s interesting and feels good. Smile when you breathe out. Look out at other people and make the game of the day to create mutually enjoyable situations.

This is best done, you’ll probably find, be being present and happy and acting from then.

But find out for yourself and enjoy.

77: Other people are what they are, big surprise

Other people are what they are

This is a world full of people, perhaps too full, but that is a statement that could be put to the, “Is it true?” test.

So there are either too many people, or not enough people, or just the right amount of people, and this is life, there are other people around us.

And, the world being what it is, if we have any spunk and vitality and individuality, sooner or later this is going to “rub someone else the wrong way.” Meaning, they don’t like how we act, or think, or talk, or dress, or….

The list goes on and on,

Often what people get upset about is ---surprise, surprise—what we get upset about: they don’t think we listened, or respected, or appreciated, or help, or like them enough.

We’ve had these feelings about others.

Others have these feelings about us.

This is how life is.

Good.

So, we are playing the letting other people be what they are and loving it game today.

Look at it like this: they are pretty much fully going to keep doing what they always do. Maybe a little suggestion can get through to them. Usually not.

For now, try this today: just as much as possible love whatever their point of view, their wishes, their set up in life. What are they all about? How does their world work? What is “good” for them? What is “bad?” What is going well for them? What is not going so well?

Maybe you can be of use or service, maybe not, but leave yourself out of it, except to be happily and playfully present to the other people in your life today.

See what this feels like.

See what the present can bring for you and for them.

It could be quite amazing. Enjoy finding out.

72: What to do?

What to do? Wake up while talking.

Yesterday we were playing with being more awake to ourselves while we are moving our tongues around and talking to other people. But, there is another side to this sweet story.

Yes. The other person.

To person to whom we were talking, also know as, the person we were talking to.

Good.

Waking up in talking is hard, silly, amazing, fun, and one of the last stages of really being awake.

Sitting in your room or cave and being calm and clear, that’s nice, and then we go out and get involved in the world.

We talk.

Presumably to other people.

They listen, or pretend to listen, or do a bad or good job of listening, but they are there.

Can we hear our words and sense the vibration (not spiritually “energy” vibration, but the actual vibration in our throats and chests and head) of our speaking, AND look at and see the other person as they listen.

Watching their interest or disinterest. Watching their eyes. Watching their breathing. Watching their happiness or unhappiness.

Watching them struggling to pretend to listen while actually just rehearsing inside the words they are going to say next. (Just the way we do, so often, so often, so often.)

It’s all good, and it’s a big job and it’s an amazing one, paying attention in the moment inward to real here and now sensations as we talk, and outward to the physical sight and sound of the other person.

This is a game. This is a life: waking up to other people as we are in conversation with them.

69: What to leave behind

What to leave behind?

Yesterday, leave yesterday behind, unless there is something sweet that brings a smile to your heart, and then bring that back a bit, and let it go, too.

What to leave behind:

Grudges, and things other people “did to you.” If they aren’t doing it now, feel happy, it’s over. If they are doing it right this moment, ask them to stop, or leave the room. If someone is say, on-going-ly mean in your life, learn to love them as a person, and maybe leave the situation, maybe not. (Leave behind blaming and see if you can discover the pain in them that is leading to the meanness. What can you do to ease this pain?)

All sorts of amazing things can happen just by leaving behind the “they are bad” story.

Worries in the mind. Leave that behind.

A fearful attitude about all the “things you need to get done.” Leave that behind.

The feeling of slavery and concern that comes from getting hooked into other people’s approval or disapproval: leave that behind.

What’s left? The present. Leave everything else behind.

That’s the game today, leave, leave, and wake up to Now.

Day 59: Other People and Staying Awake

Again: waking up in ordinary life

Ah, yes, we have a life.

Other people are in our life.

If they annoy us, we can do the work of Byron Katie.

If they don’t annoy us, and we start to have a happy conversation, that is one of life’s great sweet joys.

And we can go even farther.

We can be talking to them with an idea of being awake.

Awake to the wonder of our being alive.

Awake to the wonder of their being alive.

Awake to the wonder of all us humans being alive together on this big and beautiful Earth, and you and the other person being alive and with each other in this moment on this Earth.

Awake to our breathing.

Awake to their breathing.

Awake to the music and rhythm and tone of their voice.

Awake to the music and rhythm and tone of our voice.

Awake to the miracle of awareness, or knowing that we are in this minute, right now.

Awake to the possibility to be silent while they talk, really silent and just soaking in whatever words that they have to say and whatever words they might want to say but aren’t saying.

Awake to the words we are saying and the words we might want to say and aren’t say.

Awake to something between us and the other person that doesn’t require anything to be said.

Awake.

Have a sweet day in this form of play.

Day 50: Other people as path to waking

Other people have parties sometimes

Other People, again

Other people want things. They want attention. They want approval. They want to complain. They want someone to listen. They want you to agree with them, or join them in their activity.

Certain other people want you to feel bad, or small, or at fault. Or they want to get rid of you, or use you to prove they are better or smarter than you.

Some other people, many of us, probably, are a bit confused in social situations, and don’t know what they want, they want to talk in peace and then get out of there before anything weird or uncomfortable happens.

Then there are the people we work with, and they have agendas from home, or about the work place or about you, or about their parents and they think it’s you, or they want to brag about their kids, or get advice about their kids, or bemoan their problems, or share their enthusiasms.

Lots of things other people could have going on when you interact with them.

What would it be like today, to listen beneath the words and get a feel for what sort of deeper message they might be feeling. They might not even know what it is, but since we are all humans, it’s probably something like: I want to feel that I’m okay. I want to feel that I’ve got allies in whatever is bothering me. I want to feel that you like me.

You think of more, from what you feel around other people.


And today, just have fun spending less energy than usual on presenting whatever you usually present, and keep back a little for discovering what is going on in other people.

No “fixing” necessary, if you are a chronic “helper” of the other. Just listen a little deeper, even if you already listen well.

See if you can radiate some sort of good feeling to them, that you don’t even speak about, but is on “their side.”

Where's the Problem?

Here's a quote from the New Testament:
Mark, Chapter 7, verses 17, 15, and 16:


Then he called the crowd to him, again, and said to them,

"Hear me, all of you, and understand.

There is nothing, outside of a person, that
entering into that person,
can defile them.

But the things that come out
of a person,
these are what defile us all.

If anyone has ears to hear,
let him hear."



This is the glory and
the work
of life.

Someone comes along and says:

"You are a jerk."

So be it. That does not defile us.

We react
in the good old reactionary way,
and think, "What an awful person."
That defiles us.

We say back something mean or snippy to them.
That defiles us.

We gossip about them
to others.
That defiles us.


Or, to raise the stakes,
our sweet friend is tired,
or dealing with too many things,
or going into new and scary territory,
or feels they are being treated in ways
that before were really awful,
or they actually are being treated
not so wonderfully by wonderful us,

and in that trapped and awful feeling
they start
screaming at you.

So be it.
Welcome to What Is.
Welcome to the chance to Love What Is.

And their screaming doesn't defile us.

Our fury at them for being furious defiles us.

Our yelling back, or preaching or demanding they
instantly be "good," defiles us.

Our lack of curiosity and love about what's
underneath the big response defiles us.

Our condemning and/ or gossiping about them
defiles us.


There are lots of more ways we can
react
in the reactionary
mode
and all
these ways defile us.


The Work of Byron Katie
is of great use in
making the distinction between
the outer act and our inner suffering
from the outer act.

And so is this:
Coming back to the present,
being in our skeleton and gravity
and in air
and our breathing,
and noticing:
I am alive, right now.

And thinking:
how can I be of use
and happy,
right now?

Simple?

Yes.

Hard to pull off?

Yes.

Life changing?

Yes.

And today’s job/ task/ game/ delight/ wake up call:
find what in you is reactionary.
Watch all the times you are “upset”
and see how it isn’t about the other person,
it’s about your

identification
with your reaction

to the other person.


Be kind to yourself.

Be amused.

Be awake.


It’s lots of fun.
Seen as a game,
all the “challenges” of other people “not treating us well"
becomes the delight
of discovering
how we defile ourselves,

and, on the other side of this:
how sweet and
peaceful and
free
it feels
when we don’t go the reactionary route
but just
("just!")
settle into loving What Is.

Nice vs real, or ?????

NINE: REAL VS NICE

Or something like that.


To be nice. Ah, we all like “nice” people, and then again, most of us who live in the world of reality, have noticed the tendency of some, if not all, “nice” people to have an undercurrent of “something” not so nice. This undercurrent might come out when they have their period, or a “bad” day, or get “tired,” or …. You name it.

And the “something” could be rage, or gossip, or self-righteousness, or getting really sick.

Whatever.

That’s almost beside the point.

The point is to wake up in our lives to the moment.

Tons of “being nice” has to do with pleasing other people, which has a lot of do with socially arranged parameters of what other people “require” to keep their comfortable “sleep” going.

All this is conceptual frameworking on my part. Search around and see if there’s any truth in there for you.



For starters, though, let’s try some distinctions: Nice vs. Kind. Kind means of “kin,” which means treating people like family, assuming the family is a good one. Sometimes being “kind” isn’t so nice, means saying, “I love you and no.” No, you can’t borrow the car. No, you can’t have the money. No, you can’t keep trashing the living room.

And again, the point is to be present, paying awareness to ourselves in the present while we have awaring on the person outside of us.

This might bring us to “nice” behavior. It might bring us to noticing, “This person is really acting weird,” and asking, “What’s going on? Something seems to be really bothering you?”

Being “nice,” might mean hiding this. Being kind might mean trying to find what’s bothering them.

And being present might be just being curious: what’s going on here? Is my guess about outer reality right.

Being present might be looking at the person and seeing an unhappiness.

Being present might be realizing that when we are present, we are relatively happy.
We don’t have to drown, or to feel like drowning, or to even “feel bad” about another person drowning, to save them, to be of use.

This is a sweetness to being present: we might find ourselves being useful, even in ways that are new to us, that aren’t “nice,” in the keeping everything as it always was way.


What would life be like if we were present and “real” (whatever “real” means) instead of “nice?”


This is the question today.

Just be present and let it be in the background and see what happens.
Enjoy

an exercise from Orage

Just one of many Berkeley creativity gardens


who is Orage?

a man who studied with Gurdjeiff?

who is Gurdjieff?

a man who studied humanity.

anyway:
the exercise is this:

take someone you are out of sorts
with

someone with whom you wish
thinks were smoother
and sweeter


and in fun and learning:

write yourself a letter from them
to you
and say in it

exactly what you'd most like to hear



(this is amazing
and you'll be weirdly surprised
at what come
s
from this)

What would It Take?

What Would it Take


to be
happy
all the time

and part of that happiness
was
wishing and contributing
to the happiness of others

and part of it
would be
staying happy
when we have failed
and others want to stay
unhappy


Interesting
if nothing else.

monday, in the sun in sonoma

boxes become carbon, and a new garden spot is coming into being


Oscar comes with the new place


shelves and bikes getting ready for new life


new moon last night

time to settle in
nice day
no car

rumi
says,

we dream of a gigantic
lake
we are so thirsty
and all the water
we
want
and need
is right
here
in the veins of our neck

hmm

that could
relate
to slowing
down

being
present
and loving
this moment
and ourselves
and n
a
ture
and the
people
in front
of
and
near
us